In a shocking twist that has left fans scratching their heads and shaking their fists, Yolanda Saldívar, the infamous "Queen of Bad Decisions," has once again been denied parole. The Texas parole board made the announcement Thursday, clarifying that even after years of binge-watching soap operas and polishing her knitting skills, Saldívar’s arguments for release simply didn’t cut it. Saldívar, who is still serving her life sentence for the 1995 killing of Tejano music icon Selena Quintanilla-Perez, reportedly responded to the news with a nonchalant shrug and a cryptic Twitter rant about the "inevitable workings of the universe." Sources close to Saldívar say she’s perfectly content with her life behind bars, where her primary concerns include the quality of prison tacos and whether she’ll get the next season of her favorite reality show. "Let’s be real, it’s not like she was working at a high-end taco stand before this,” one parole board member quipped. “Her life sentence is probably the best job she’s ever had. No employees harassing her, no customers, and the Wi-Fi is surprisingly good. What more could one want?" The parole board expressed some momentary sympathy for Saldívar. “It’s tough out there. Even her Instagram followers have dwindled to her Aunt Maria and some random cats,” they noted. “But, come on, killing a music legend isn’t exactly the way to get back in the spotlight.” Meanwhile, Selena’s fanbase is still collectively clutching their pearls and muttering about justice, not just for Selena, but for the many missed opportunities to hear her music soar. “Let’s be honest,” one fan stated while wearing a custom Selena shirt sourced from a local artisan shop. “As long as Saldívar is stuck in prison, the world is a better place. Besides, we all know that the only person she should be serving tacos to is Selena—in whatever afterlife they have.” As the news swept across social media platforms faster than a trending TikTok dance, fans celebrated the parole denial with virtual parties—complete with Selena-themed karaoke and taco delivery. “Yolanda may not be going anywhere, but our love for Selena is timeless," another fan tweeted, posting videos of energetic choreographed dances to classic Selena hits. In concluding statements, the parole board reminded Saldívar that the next parole review will happen in a few years—if she stays well-behaved and can recite the entire Selena discography without a hitch. “Let’s take baby steps here,” they emphasized, forcing everyone to imagine a world where Saldívar's biggest contribution to society is her prison talent show act. For now, it seems the only person with more staying power than Selena is Yolanda Saldívar, a fact that may never settle well in the hearts of Selena’s countless admirers. Keep your sassy selfies coming, Saldívar—those prison bars may be your best stylist yet!