Wall Street in a Frenzy as All Common Sense Flown South for the Winter! NEW YORK, N.Y. - Chaos erupted on Wall Street this Tuesday when investors were overcome with sheer bewilderment, unable to figure out if a major economic calamity had or had not just transpired. Trading floors transformed into whirlwinds of confusion, as stockbrokers grappled with the revelation that the U.S. government had, in fact, managed to avoid a debt default. The S&P 500 fluctuated wildly between "hey, that's not too bad!" and "wait, but what's the catch?" unable to grasp how such a desirable outcome could have possibly come to pass. In the final hour of trading, the Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped 105 points, or 0.3%, to settle at 32,988, with traders unsure whether to weep tears of relief or break into maniacal laughter. And in a surprising twist, the Nasdaq composite managed to eke out a 0.5% gain, ostensibly after a rogue trader voiced the eminently reasonable suspicion that the lack of catastrophe was nothing more than an elaborate optical illusion. "Is this like one of those trick questions where the solution is so simple it makes you doubt everything you know?" asked an exasperated Wall Street veteran, clutching a fistful of ticker tape like a lifeline. "I've been in this business for 30 years, and never in my wildest dreams could I have envisioned a world where our elected officials managed to not electrophorusally tank the economy." In a rapidly developing situation that unfolded like a financial fever dream, morose economists dusted off their cheeriest recession charts in preparation for the worst, while red-faced market analysts struggled to reconcile a world without a clear-cut crisis du jour. "We are currently in the eye of an uncertainty hurricane," declared one distressed financial commentator on live television, who proceeded to question and then daintily kiss a nearby golden bull statue for good luck. At press time, Wall Street had devolved into a Mad Hatter-esque tea party of befuddlement, as traders donned top hats and monocles in an attempt to mask their disarray. But as the sun dipped below the horizon, one thing was clear: whatever fragile semblance of logic formerly clung to the hallowed halls of the stock exchange had officially exited stage left, leaving pandemonium in its wake.