In a groundbreaking decision that has sent shockwaves through academic circles, the United States Coast Guard Academy has officially announced the removal of any mention of "climate change" from its curriculum. This controversial move is being lauded by some as a “strategic redesign” aimed at fostering a more “emotionally comfortable” learning environment, where cadets can focus on much more pressing concerns, like learning how to properly fold their uniforms. The academy’s leadership, in their infinite wisdom, decided that climate science was just too “on the nose” for future Coast Guard officers—after all, what better way to prepare for life on the open seas than by ignoring the very real threats to it? During a recent press conference, academy spokesperson Admiral Claire Denial stated, “We believe that discussing climate change could lead to feelings of despair and helplessness among our cadets. Instead, we prefer to encourage them to just sail through life, quite literally.” In lieu of climate literacy, the academy has opted for a comprehensive new course titled “Water Sports and Sweater Folding 101.” This innovative class promises to equip cadets with the essential skills they need to maintain their morale while the world outside experiences apocalyptic weather patterns. “Why prepare for a world of melting ice and rising tides when you can master the art of a perfectly creased dress shirt?” added Denial, her eyes twinkling with enthusiasm for this fresh approach. In a shocking twist of irony, the academy has decided to keep courses on “Search and Rescue Operations” since, as Denial puts it, “one never knows when a rogue iceberg might just appear under a sunny sky, and our cadets need to be ready to spring into action.” The backlash to this educational pivot has been swift, with environmentalists and scientists banding together to stage protests outside the academy gates, carrying signs that read, “Pretending Climate Change Doesn’t Exist Won’t Save You!” and “Denial is Not a River in Egypt!” However, the academy remains unfazed, claiming that they find the protests to be quite entertaining and a perfect opportunity for cadets to practice crowd control tactics. Some members of the Coast Guard community have found ways to cope with the decision. Cadet John “Sailing into the Sunset” Smith remarked, “It’s refreshing to focus on what really matters—like mastering the art of high-fiving other cadets when we make a successful knot. It’s not our fault that the planet’s going to hell; our job is to look good while sailing into the abyss.” As the sun sets on the academy’s latest decision, one thing is for certain: it won’t be the rising sea levels that will keep the Coast Guard afloat, but rather a collective effort to scrupulously avoid discussing anything of actual global significance. As long as the cadets can adjust their sailor hats properly and stay cheerful, who needs to worry about the future? After all, ignorance is bliss, especially when your daily grind involves saving lives while conveniently ignoring the very crumbling world they’re sailing into.