In a bold move that’s been hailed by some as revolutionary and criticized by others as a blatant power grab, President Trump unveiled his latest executive order, which he claims will “streamline federal services while ensuring that our national security is never compromised.” The order, humorously dubbed “Union Busting for National Security,” has sent shockwaves through the ranks of federal employees who are now wondering if their coffee breaks will be classified as a national threat. The executive order stipulates that collective bargaining rights for hundreds of thousands of federal workers have been revoked—effective immediately—because let’s face it, nothing screams “secure nation” like a government devoid of organized labor! The President, in an impromptu press conference layered with bravado and a hint of bewilderment, insisted that “unions are too busy negotiating coffee preferences to address the real issues, like which color the new agency t-shirts should be.” With a wave of his hand, Trump noted that federal workers might want to consider offering their opinions in the form of colorful post-it notes, as the days of negotiating contracts in stuffy rooms alongside people who care about their rights are officially over. “Who needs unions when you can just ask your boss if you can have a raise? Just go in there and say, ‘Hey, can I get some of that sweet taxpayer money?’” he quipped, evoking both laughter and collective gasps from labor leaders watching from the back. In response, the largest federal employee union declared a potential legal battle is brewing, presumably involving more paperwork than Pete’s criminal past. Union representatives remarked that the executive order “seems more like a plot twist in a low-budget political thriller than an actual government policy,” adding that they'll be invoking their legal rights to ensure that the rights of workers are not casually tossed aside like a bad “fake news” segment. Some experts argue that this directive could have catastrophic ramifications, while others suggest it might simplify the long and tedious meetings often attributed to collective bargaining. “In a time where efficiency is key, why allow workers to have a say? Just give them a motivational poster about teamwork and call it a day,” posited a humorless think-tank employee in a recent op-ed where he claimed getting rid of unions could also allow for “creative team-building exercises” that might include blindfolded trust falls. As the chaos unfolds, some people even predict that the new federal slogan could quickly become “You’ll do what we say, when we say it, or you’re getting outsourced!” Meanwhile, the only union that seems to be thriving after the executive order is the “National Association of People Who Can Now Relish the Simplicity of a No-Bargaining Workplace,” which jokingly promotes high-fives and free donuts as part of its new non-negotiable benefits package. In the days ahead, as federal employees adjust to life under the new regime, one has to question: will coffee choices still be managed by a solitary intern or will that too become a task overshadowed by national security? Ultimately, in an unparalleled twist of irony, workers may just find out they’re better off negotiating with their baristas instead. After all, if there’s a war on unions, surely someone should be leading a caffeinated resistance.