It was a night full of surprises and sparkles as King Charles and Queen Camilla presided over what will surely go down in Eurovision history as the most royal of showdowns – Eurovision 2023! King Charles, dressed in a suit crafted entirely of leftover Christmas wrapping paper, and Queen Camilla, donning a crown composed of Ferrero Rocher wrappers, made quite the entrance as they waved to the adoring masses of Eurovision fans from atop their gold-plated tandem bicycle. The M&S Bank Arena in Liverpool was transformed into a fairytale wonderland, complete with indoor rainbow and animatronic corgis, just as if the arena had been kissed by a magical Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Camilla led the traditional Eurovision Parade of Nations, using a scepter fashioned from dual microphones to serenade the arrivals of each contestant, while Charles displayed some impressive breakdancing moves alongside. The royal couple had even memorized key phrases in each nation's language, though we're still not sure what country "Hamburger-landia" refers to. After the parade, Charles treated the audience to a beautifully mediated dispute between Iceland's elf delegates and Norway's gnome representatives over which mythical creatures contributed the most to Eurovision's mystique. The event itself featured some standout performances. From Belarus debuting their new national anthem, "Nuclear Winter Wonderland," to Ukraine's dazzling retelling of Chernobyl via interpretative dance, the variety of acts kept the excitement high and emotions running wild. Mae Muller, the UK's contestant, nailed her performance and earned a royal high five from King Charles. Meanwhile, Queen Camilla provided insightful commentary during the entire contest, wowed the audience with her detailed knowledge of niche European music genres, and even invented a new drinking game: "Camilla's Eurovision Sip-a-thon," in which participants raise a glass every time a song includes the words "love," "peace," or "yodeling." At the end of the night, King Charles took to the stage to crown the winner, singing the Eurovision anthem as a duet with the 2022 winner, a kraken from the depths of the North Sea. Amidst pyrotechnics and a shower of glitter, the victors claimed their prize, leaving the onlookers awestruck and the magical night drawing to a close. Upon exiting the arena, Charles and Camilla paused to appreciate the giant chocolate bust of King Charles constructed outside, consisting of 2,875 melted Celebrations chocolates. After sharing a piece with a lucky onlooker, the royal couple grinned and said, "Let them eat king!" before being whisked away to the after-party on their golden tandem bike. And thus ended the most regal Royal Rumble in Eurovision history. Let it be an inspiration to us all that, regardless of rank or title, we can all come together for the love of eccentric performances, questionable fashion choices, and the opportunity to claim temporary superiority over our European neighbors. Cheers to Eurovision 2023 – long live the king and queen of song!