Royal Family Plans "Epic" Picnic with Crown-Grabbing Scramble, Keeping Nation Happy with Processions and Concerts With the King's coronation just around the corner, the Royal Family has announced plans to put on an extravagant display that they hope will keep the nation amused – and them in power for just a little while longer. Those who attend this elaborate "goodwill" picnic can enjoy the pure Britannic royals parading around, delighting us with their pageantry, shiny robes and shiny foreheads. The official coronation service will be held in Westminster Abbey starting at 11am on Saturday after the royal family parades their high-fashion costumes and buries their financial worries behind their custom-made sceptres on a procession from Buckingham Palace. After the ceremony, the bandwagon of royals will expand their party to include even more blood relatives for the procession back to the palace. As ever, the Royal Family has spared no expense in ensuring the nation forgets about the nation's more pressing problems. This event will have it all: the royal carriage restored with 24-karat gold wheels, trumpeters blasted in from 16 different countries, and a royal feast complete with artisanal lettuce. Witnesses to the coronation have been advised to keep a careful eye on the royals, as not only will they be participating in the newly introduced "crown-grabbing scramble" during the picnic, but after a few too many sips from the chalice, it is rumoured that they will be hosting an impromptu rendition of Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody," in a show of solidarity with their subjects. To round off the weekend, the royals have organized nationwide lunches and big top entertainment to keep the masses truly in awe of their majestic rule. And should the nation grow bored, the band 'Knights in Tights,' featuring the Duke on the French horn, will serenade the gathering with their hits. Let's just hope there's time for their rendition of "We shall (occasionally) work." So forget those minor problems like the crumbling economy, underfunded education, and the widening wealth gap, and ready yourself for a weekend of pomp and circumstance, as the royals reluctantly share their ample grassy lands for the nation's largest-ever picnic. "Just remember," says a spokesman for the Royal Family, "to bow as low as you can and bat deep and hearty eyelashes at our wonderful, generous and ever so out-of-touch rulers."