In a daring display of inefficiency that would make even the slowest sloth roll its eyes, Alabama's state government has announced yet another ambitious plan to promote sanitation equity for its neglected rural Black communities. As residents have waited for basic amenities like clean water and sewage systems, officials have decided to respond with a comprehensive strategy that might just lead to—hold your breath—progress in a decade or two. At a recent press conference held in an undisclosed location, perhaps out of fear of being held accountable, the Governor's Office revealed the “Slow and Steady Wins the Race” initiative. This groundbreaking program is expected to address the dire sanitation issues, tackling problems that have festered since the days when the only thing more stagnant than the government’s progress was water in the local creek. “Our vision is for our residents in rural Alabama to experience sanitation equity in the fullness of time—probably around, you know, mid-century,” stated the spokesperson clad in full hazmat gear. “Why rush when we can learn to appreciate the art of waiting? After all, who needs running water when you’ve got patience?” The initiative details several ambitious phases, including the acquisition of “state-of-the-art” technology, such as long-distance shouting to encourage those living in dilapidated homes to dig their own ditches. Then there’s the community enhancement project focusing on “Creative Waste Disposal.” Impressed residents were left speechless by the innovative idea of simply waiting for waste to “self-dispose” through natural processes—like evaporation. Rural communities, usually forgotten in policy discussions until election season rolls around, can now look forward to a robust timeline that includes quarterly updates that will ambitiously highlight “progress” in vague terms like “international standards” and “increased awareness.” In related news, states with functioning sanitation systems and clean drinking water have reportedly begun to seek legal action against the state for emotional distress caused by levels of jealousy. In what some cheekily dubbed the “Pothole Reallocation Project,” officials plan to take funds earmarked for repairing roads and instead invest them in a series of community workshops titled “How to Build a Latrine (with Style).” Once the locals are trained artists of outhouse architecture, they can proudly display their creations while simultaneously wanting to weep for their lack of access to basic needs. Opponents of the plan have been vocal—mostly shouting into an empty well. Advocates have stressed that there ought to be more than just aspirational slogans and cleverly crafted manuals that look good on paper. But for the Alabama government, the only thing louder than the locals’ frustrations appears to be the sound of crickets coming from official offices. In a dramatic twist, rumor has it that federal assistance is on its way, but only if they can make it through an obstacle course of paperwork that rivals the complexities of the IRS tax code. The chances of a check arriving anytime soon are reportedly as slim as the chances of a goldfish raising livestock. As the glacial march toward sanitation equity continues, the message from the state remains clear: Why hurry when you can hang on to the illusion of progress, one dry well at a time? Local residents are already planning “Slow Motion Parades” to celebrate each minimal advancement—banners already printed with “At Least We’re Trying!” and “Toilet Water Tasting in 2035!” While they await the fate of their sanitary future, they can take comfort in knowing that at least they’re not forgotten anymore—because who wouldn’t want to be part of this drawn-out history lesson?