In a groundbreaking move that has left environmentalists and justice advocates scratching their heads, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has announced a series of policy reversals that have been generously dubbed “Progress in Reverse.” Described by insiders as a return to a simpler time—like when dinosaurs roamed the earth and clean air was a luxury for the affluent—the new direction is eagerly awaited by industries seeking a break from the shackles of pesky regulations. Following a lengthy investigation into the actual effects of reducing emissions, the EPA concluded that “the current state of the planet has been dramatically overhyped.” According to the agency, reports of melting glaciers and dying coral reefs are merely “creative visual interpretations” crafted by environmental activists in a bid to gain attention and funding on social media. With this new perspective, businesses can reignite the glory days of smoke-filled factories and the sweet scent of unregulated waste. The latest initiative allows industries to voluntarily adopt “Best Practices” that nobody has to actually follow. This is a huge step in encouraging companies to rethink their commitment to sustainable practices. “Why mandate something as boring as accountability when you can practically make it an opt-in program?” remarked an EPA spokesperson, clearly biting their tongue to conceal their delight at the idea of corporate self-regulation. In a sweeping act of goodwill, the EPA also plans to revoke “frivolous” monitoring requirements that have punked the energy sector, such as keeping tabs on toxic emissions and discharges into waterways. “Why burden the job creators with excessive and unnecessary paperwork?” asserted one official, clearly referencing the bureaucratic red tape that has made their lives intolerable. Companies are now required to report emissions only if they feel like it, and if they don't, well, who’s checking anyway? Deservedly earning heaps of praise from coal, oil, and chemical companies, the new policies have left many community groups in a befuddled state of disbelief. “We thought ‘environmental justice’ meant addressing inequities faced by marginalized communities that bear the brunt of pollution,” lamented one local activist. “But apparently, it really just means making sure corporations don't feel too bad about poisoning us.” To celebrate this monumental shift, the EPA will host an esteemed gala titled “Back to the Future: Regressing for a Better Tomorrow,” featuring a keynote speech from a fossil fuel executive who will undoubtedly illuminate the virtuous role of fossil fuels in humanity's past—and future. Guests are encouraged to wear carbon-heavy attire, and appetizers will be served on the latest EPA-approved plastic plates. For dessert, attendees will enjoy a beautiful layer of smog-flavored cake, topped with a shimmering coat of greenhouse gas. As the wave of optimism sweeps through the halls of the EPA, one can't help but wonder: will “Progress in Reverse” truly prepare America for a bright future—bathed in the warm, inviting glow of unchecked emissions? Only time will tell, but in the meantime, revelers in corporate boardrooms are toasting to what’s sure to be a thrilling, if not slightly toxic, era in environmental policy. Cheers!