In a bold move reminiscent of last-minute cramming for an exam, President Biden has unveiled a series of climate promises that critics are dubbing the “Green New Daze.” The announcements, which conveniently coincide with an upcoming election year, showcase an impressive lineup of initiatives that sound good on paper but, much like a diet plan that starts on Monday, are conspicuously lacking in commitment. Among the standout features of the Green New Daze is the ambitious plan to plant an additional 1 billion trees over the next decade. “It’s simple,” Biden proclaimed at a press conference while shaking an imaginary tree branch, “we’ll just plant them and hope for the best!” Environmental experts are excited but skeptical, pondering whether the trees will come with Biden’s signature on the leaves or if they will mysteriously vanish after the election. In an equally thrilling twist, the Biden administration has vowed to reduce carbon emissions by 50% by 2030. “Or at least that’s the goal,” said a senior administration official who wished to remain anonymous but was noticeably wearing a ‘Climate Change? More Like Climate Change!’ t-shirt. “We can do it if everyone pretends to care really hard.” Activists are awaiting clarification on whether this goal includes the emissions from the massive tech-fueled campaign machinery that will surely accompany next year’s run. Biden also aired plans for a green infrastructure overhaul that includes a nationwide solar initiative, which will “make the sun work overtime.” Environmental analysts suggested that instead of imposing regulations on fossil fuel companies, the administration could simply send them a strongly worded letter or maybe a nice gift basket filled with organic snacks. Meanwhile, the American public is left wondering if greenhouse gases are still on the White House’s to-do list or if they’ve been pushed to the bottom, alongside “check if the cat needs feeding.” Polls indicate that climate change remains a hot-button issue, but as the adage goes, nothing says “I care” like a brand-new infographic outlining a long-term strategy that might begin right around the time Pluto gets reclassified as a planet again. While the Green New Daze promises to be an inspiring rallying cry for many, critics argue it feels distinctly reminiscent of a New Year’s resolution that’s met with a “let’s just order pizza instead” approach by February. In a shocking twist of fate, Biden even managed to garner praise from eco-enthusiasts and fossil fuel lobbyists alike, proving that the circle of life in American politics is as green as dollar bills. With all eyes on the untested waters of political posturing, environmentalists are left clutching their reusable tote bags, wondering if they should thank Biden for his enthusiasm or just roll their eyes while secretly saving for their own solar panels. As the clock ticks down to election season, one thing becomes abundantly clear: promises from Washington are like windy days—sure, they can make it feel nice for a moment, but at the end of the day, you’re still going to need an umbrella.