In a truly groundbreaking, eye-watering, and slightly bewildering tale, the Keystone state, a nickname most certainly not chosen by a hipster, turned symbolically sentimental this week. Maximizing the booming trend of self-love, a borough resident shattered societal norms and amazingly, no windows, by thrusting the concept of love and romance to the hilt into a galaxy far, far beyond. You, dear reader, will now spend the next few minutes reading about how someone in Pennsylvania, who, in the spirit of self-affirmation, self-proposed. Meet our protagonist, a modern-age Narcissus fathomably named Valentyne – a chap alight with ego rumors say could sunbathe in his abundant self-admiration if he so chooses. Valentyne, eager to express his love in the most self-obsessed’manner possible, took initiatory steps in getting himself a ring, throwing himself an engagement party, and consequently, is now engaged to himself. Valentyne, now busy showing off the self-curated diamond on his pinky finger (because let’s be real, folks, symbolism doesn’t give a hoot), regaled the press en masse with tales of his heartfelt self-proposal while perpetually complimenting his own luxurious hair during the engagement party-cum-press-conference. “It’s been a wild ride,” Valentyne swooned, a single tear of joy welling up in his eye, tracking the path of self-love down his rosy cheek – a manifesto of emotion that surely could captivate budding poets on Tumblr. “I sort of always suspected I’d say ‘yes’. I’ve always known I’m the one.” Valentyne’s self-engagement has caused quite a stir in the state that brings us Hershey's chocolate, more Amish than you can shake a butter churn at, and of course, the venerable cheesesteak. Apart from relishing in Valentyne’s unabashed self-appreciation, the Keystone state has also seen an uptick in mirror sales and a sudden advent of vlogging amongst its residents. Not everyone is positive about this historic self-love proposal; some critics suggest Valentyne’s move raises issues of bigamy - after all, if you can marry yourself, does your left hand compete for the affections of the right? And what about full body hugs? Are they equally gratifying or merely giving the hand a day off? The world is watching, folks, but let's call this self-engagement what it is - a truly impressive exhibition of extreme self-fondness that suggests one man's encroaching madness or a promising career in selfie-based influencing. One thing’s for certain, the Guinness World Records, which are as obsessed with the extraordinary as Valentyne is with himself, have now earmarked a new category in their next edition, titled “Maximal Self-Love.” Look out for Valentyne’s blissfully smug face and perfectly tousled hair near you, soon. Now there's a self-made man if ever there was one. Say what you want, Pennsylvania, but this week you got all sorts of weird on us. And for that, we thank you.