In an unexpected twist in the realm of literary liberation, the Internet Archive's ambitious plan to revolutionize reading habits has turned into a cautionary tale, as four major publishers have traded their proverbial quills for legal briefs, declaring that the days of "no more free lunch" have arrived for online bookworms. In a dramatic courtroom showdown, the 2nd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals has sided with the publishing titans—Hachette, HarperCollins, John Wiley & Sons, and Penguin Random House—who apparently forgot that the 21st century dawned over two decades ago, and everyone is eagerly reaching for their digital discount coupon. The publishers, armed with enough lawyers to fill a library of their own, argued with all the enthusiasm of a high school English teacher grading late assignments that the Internet Archive's practice of lending out entire books for free constituted a flagrant violation of copyright laws. "How dare they think they could just scan our books and give them away willy-nilly!" exclaimed a blue-suited publisher who preferred to remain anonymous, likely for fear of being booed by a crowd of disgruntled readers. "Why should readers get a taste of literary magic for free when they could be nourishing our fine dining establishments—we mean, bookstores?" Despite countless records of people enjoying the luxurious feeling of holding a book, publishers want readers to understand that paper cuts and late fees are all part of building character. They believe that a little hardship might inspire them to throw down cash for hardcovers rather than mow through countless eBooks like it's a bottomless buffet. As the verdict cleared the courtroom, critics of the decision promptly took to their keyboards, crafting reviews of what they called "The Great Quarantine of Literature." One vocal internet user proclaimed, "How will I ever learn about the character arcs of my favorite protagonists if I can't even crack open a virtual copy of their stories? This will destroy my chances at a sophisticated book club meeting—I'm doomed to discussions about soap operas instead!" In a bold attempt to keep the spirit of free reading alive, the Internet Archive has promised to double down on its mission by offering a unique experience—stand-up comedy nights featuring authors willing to recite summaries of their own books, all while accepting donations to fund future illegal book scans. "We're not bitter; we're innovators!" a spokesperson for the Archive proudly declared, crossing his fingers behind his back. With authors resorting to ironic fundraising tactics, and publishers making more money than ever from eBook sales, the world anxiously awaits the next chapter in this literary saga. Can the noble quest for free access to knowledge and the insatiable hunger for profits ever coexist? Only time and a very lucrative settlement may tell. Until then, pencil user reviews of city libraries, as they are the last holdouts for browsing without a price tag.