In response to climate change causing a sharp increase in wildfires, leading insurance executive Howard Spewell has taken the path of righteous corporate enlightenment and declared that California homeowners can just fend for themselves. As CEO of Profithounds Insurance Co., Spewell has formally announced that his company will no longer provide coverage for homes in areas prone to wildfires, essentially telling millions of Californians to "bite the bullet and turn their hoses on themselves." "Look, it's simple business. Our shareholders aren't going to be happy if we keep paying claims," Spewell explained. "I suggest people sell their homes and move. Maybe to a nice ice floe in the Arctic, where wildfires are far less likely." Spewell also noted his profound sympathy and deep concern for the suffering Californians when he said, "while we're sad to make this callous and detached decision, I still have to maintain my third yacht and fourth private airstrip in the Maldives." The insurance giant has gone so far as to lobby California lawmakers to pass legislation requiring homeowners to personally tame wildfires with their private armies of super-powered firefighters. "Or maybe they can just build walls to keep the fires out, we don't care, as long as it's not our money." Spewell's move has not gone unnoticed in the corporate world. The CEO of Burn&Churn, an industrial-strength pressure-cooker manufacturer, has drafted similar policies while lobbying for legislation that would require homeowners to use their products exclusively in designated concrete fire bunkers. Critics argue that insurance companies like Profithounds avoid actually covering homeowners against natural disasters by designing their policies with technicalities and loopholes to avoid payouts. Spewell merely laughed off the criticism, remarking "you can’t expect a leopard to change its spots, can you? And trust me, no one ever got rich by giving the people what they paid for." To soften the blow, Profithounds will be offering a small consolation to many uninsured Californians. "We'll be hosting an exclusive VIP soirée for impacted Californians," Spewell shared. "It'll be held at my sprawling beachfront estate outside of the evacuation zones. Guests will be provided with sand, sunglasses, and SPF 50. At least they'll get some protection." That, in addition to the company’s recently launched line of firefighting-themed body pillows and sassy ‘I survived a wildfire and lost my insurance’ t-shirts, are sure to raise the morale of California’s millions of uninsured residents, who will soon face increasingly common mega-blazes armed with only garden hoses and a burning sense of irony. In conclusion, it’s evident that Profithounds is taking its job as an insurance company very seriously by striving to protect its own financial interests and preserving the status quo of standard insurance policy phenomenology: forget homeowners, protect the profit.