Baku – In a stunning twist of geopolitical irony, Ilham Aliyev, President of Azerbaijan and the self-proclaimed maestro of the Caspian ballet, has officially announced that the only demand in Baku that cannot be ignored is, quite whimsically, a national increase in the consumption of black tea. Sources close to the president revealed that during a high-stakes meeting with advisors, Aliyev dramatically spilled his tea while expressing his deep concern for the nation’s morale, claiming, “You can ignore democracy, you can overlook human rights, but by all that is sacred in the tea leaves, we must not ignore our beloved black tea!” Eyewitnesses reported that the room erupted into applause, although it’s unclear if they were clapping for the tea or the allusion to such vital national issues. In what can only be described as a historic address delivered from the comfort of the Presidential Palace’s verdant gardens, Aliyev laid out a bold plan for the future: a “Tea for Tolerance” initiative aimed at reviving the “peaceful and quiet” spirit of the nation through increased tea-drinking sessions held within the extravagant opulence of the nation’s glittering tea houses. “Nothing says unity like a good cup of tea,” claimed a spokesperson, “especially when it’s served with a side of state propaganda.” Experts immediately hailed this move as a masterstroke of political strategy. “What could be more destabilizing for the opposition than a well-caffeinated populace?” chuckled one analyst from a local think tank. “If they’re too busy sipping tea, they won’t even notice the disappearing rights of free speech.” In the spirit of this bold initiative, Baku’s streets will soon be lined with towering billboards adorned with slogans like “Sip Sip Hooray for National Harmony!” and “Forget the Political Debates, Let’s Steep In!” In addition, a new national holiday is slated for next month, “Tea-rrific Day,” during which citizens will be encouraged to forgo their usual duties, gather in public areas, and drink copious amounts of tea while contemplating the fleeting nature of freedom—or, at the very least, the various merits of Earl Grey versus traditional Azerbaijani blends. Bizarrely, the announcement has sparked heated debates among local tea enthusiasts divided along regional lines. Some expressed outrage over the proposed monopoly on black tea, calling for the inclusion of green and herbal teas in the national discourse. “This is a blatant attempt to sidestep real issues!” declared an irate herbalist in a nearby market. “Isn’t it time we brewed inclusiveness into our political teapot?” And as Aliyev prepares for his next series of international engagements, one can’t help but wonder if he’ll be pouring out the same steaming demands abroad. Could we soon witness an Azerbaijan tea summit to resolve all the world’s troubles, or perhaps an international tour where he negotiates peace over a steaming cup of tea? For now, however, Baku stands united in spirit, at least until the tea runs dry or someone accidentally mentions elections. Until then, let’s raise our cups in a toast to the only demand that can never be ignored. Cheers—or rather, “Chai!”