In a surprising blend of grisly crimes and cocktail hour, the city's notorious offenders have shaken up local nightlife by opening their own club, "Happy Hour at the Torture Criminals Club", a unique establishment where safety measures are just as entertaining as the comedy nights on Tuesdays. On a road cloaked under the cover of twisted irony and heavy sarcasm, a neon sign invitingly flashes 'HHaTCC'. Step inside, and you’re greeted by a tastefully macabre interior, the staff clad in the latest prison chic, and a drinks menu that has the city's liquid lore aficionados all aflutter. The latest safety guidelines take center stage as both a precautionary measure and entertainment. The club’s unruly founding members, with their own mugshots proudly displayed at the entrance, insist their venture offers a genuine chance to have a laugh while discussing the day's horrific headlines. "Murderers make the best bartenders - it's pure dedication that gets them the perfect pour," wisecracks 'Sideshow' Sandy McLawsuit, resident jester and legal consultant. The menu boasts drinks with names like "Bloody Knuckle Brawler", "Conman's Cosmo", and the fan favorite "Pickle'd Ponzi". Meanwhile, the "Deceptive Daiquiri", served in a glass shaped like a shiv, is a reminder of the thin line between safety and, well, the opposite of safety. All cocktails, the management assure us, are hand-crafted by speech-impaired parrots and come with a disclaimer: 'These drinks are as safe as running through a field of machetes blindfolded. Try at your own risk!' Many patrons, however, have been reeled in thanks to the club's innovative spin on safety measures. "Honesty in Safety" confession booths are a crowd-favorite, where revellers admit their clumsiest moments to a bouncer doubling up as an 'Absolver of Accidents'. The promise of a quick absolution for a steal at 5 bucks (and a shot of tequila) seems too good to be true. Furthermore, the dress code demands one piece of personal protective equipment (PPE). Customers sporting hard hats, safety goggles, hi-vis vests, knee pads, and occasionally even full-body armor, provide a colorful addition to the establishment's twisted ambiance. The evening ends with an in-house Mafioso bartender shouting, "Hey, who's gonna fall off their stool now, eh?" to hoots of laughter. Despite the unlikely nature of this criminal cocktail club, authorities say that crime rates have, rather ironically, dipped since it opened. Local police chief, Lorenzo Lasagna, reports, "There's been a significant decrease in bar fights city-wide and a sharp increase in safety gear sales. These guys may have unwittingly done us a favor. Plus, I hear the 'Gangster's Gimlet' is pretty good." Notwithstanding the club’s tongue-in-cheek approach to safety, it serves as an entertaining reminder that precautionary measures can always be stirring, if not shaken and mixed with a twist. Unsurprisingly, Happy Hour at the Torture Criminals Club has achieved cult status for its unique offering, proving crime, cocktails, and safety can quite hilariously mix.