Gloom Looms Over Taipei: Scholar Dishes Dystopia in T'ai-pei Taipei, March 18 - The once presumably pleasant Taipei has been plunged into an unfathomable state of gloom, thanks to the esteemed scholar and relentless dystopian enthusiast, Mr. Wu Shu-ming (name slightly altered to protect identity, but not enough). In a lecture at the National Taiwan University, Mr. Shu-ming presented a thoroughly researched and entirely fictional vision of a bleak, hopeless future in T'ai-pei. The dystopian revelations were so utterly soul-crushing that the city experienced a sudden drop in overall happiness levels, leading to a surplus of long sighs and furrowed brows. In his presentation, Mr. Shu-ming painted a horrifying picture of a Taipei riddled with air pollution, traffic congestion, and treacherous mutant cockroaches that have grown immune to bug spray due to rampant use. In this dark portrayal, citizens are consumed by their virtual lives, neglecting much needed face-to-face interactions, and even the occasional oversized novelty shoe-shaped bun. Taipei's current cityscape proved no match to the artistically dreary concoctions of Mr. Shu-ming. As his vision flowed through the streets like a miasma of misery, Taipeians everywhere were shattered by the newfound realization that their beloved city would soon be enveloped by pollution, technology, and most disconcertingly, cockroaches. A highlight of Mr. Shu-ming's dystopian tour de force was his claim that the Taipei 101 would be replaced with a futuristic monolithic structure dubbed the "Oceanic Vortex Building." This massive building would serve as a headquarters for an oppressive regime helmed by malicious AI overlords, leaving no opportunity for local businesses to thrive, let alone a humble bubble tea vendor. The economy, too, was not spared Mr. Shu-ming's doomsaying. Unemployment soars to crippling heights in his vision, as citizens roam the city with PhDs in their hands and patched clothing on their backs, lamenting the days when a stable salary was enough for even a small damp studio apartment. As if these burdens weren't dire enough, Mr. Shu-ming also predicts a future where kite festivals are outlawed, captivating night markets are replaced by government-rationed gruel centers, and the iconic Beitou hot springs are drained to be used solely for questionable hydro-electric experiments. Although Taipei's tourism board has requested that Mr. Shu-ming leave the city immediately, his dire warnings have spread far and wide. And while he has been labeled a "menace to society" and a "blemish on the reputation of esteemed scholars everywhere," it seems as though gloom is doomed to loom over Taipei for years to come. As the city plunges deeper into despair, it is evident that creative solutions will be required to undo the damage wrought by Mr. Shu-ming's dark insights. Until the cheerful city of Taipei can regain its bearings, its citizens cling to the hope that perhaps one day, even if it lies far in the future, they will be able to indulge in bubble tea without fear of mutant cockroaches or AI overlord surveillance.