In a shocking turn of events, Dr. Peter Marks, the FDA's chief vaccine regulator, has decided to hang up his lab coat and retire to a far less controversial hobby: alpaca farming. According to sources close to Mark's office, the top vaccine guru couldn’t quite get behind the Health Secretary's ambitious plans to transform the department into a traveling circus—complete with misinformation clowns and science-defying acrobats. In a resignation letter that was part heartfelt goodbye and part scathing roast, Marks claimed that Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. wanted him to serve as a "subservient confirmation" for wild tales of vaccine shenanigans that would make even the biggest conspiracy theorists roll their eyes. “I thought I’d be sitting in meetings discussing emerging vaccine technologies,” Marks lamented. “Instead, I found myself being asked for science that was tailored to fit a narrative straight out of a science fiction novel.” Witnesses report that during one meeting, as the Secretary stood atop a metaphorical soapbox, waving his arms dramatically, he urged the staff to embrace “radical transparency.” Marks was suddenly struck by the realization that “radical transparency” was merely code for publishing opinion pieces in tabloids next to UFO sightings. “Look, I’m all for transparency,” Marks explained. “But when I was asked to wear a tinfoil hat to promote our new ‘Vaccine… or is it Magic?’ campaign, I knew it was time to make my exit. I just can't be part of a health department that prioritizes viral TikToks over clinical trials!” The fallout from Marks's departure has cast a shadow over the FDA's future plans. Kooky ideas are already popping up in the wake of his resignation, including a proposal to replace the vaccination pamphlets with fortune cookies and holding vaccine consultations via interpretive dance. Kennedy Jr., unfazed by the backlash, responded to Marks's letter with a tweet — sending a message written in rainbow emoji and punctuated by a GIF of a dancing cat. “We will forge ahead! The truth is out there, and it’s wearing glittery shoes!” he declared. Despite the uncertainty ahead, Marks insists that he’ll be just fine tending to his herd of alpacas, who, unlike him, have a steady supply of fluff and zero interest in pursuing radical health policies. “At least they’re honest about their intentions: all they want is food and to look fabulous,” he mused. Meanwhile, citizens are left to wonder if the FDA will ever return to the “golden standard” of science or stick to a circus theme that sounds like a cross between a bad dream and a zany reality show. Only time will tell, but one thing is certain: the health of the nation is now in the hands of indistinguishable characters seeking viral fame over factual integrity.