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Business / a year ago
Ex-Uber Security Chief Breaks Breach Protocol, Rides Off with Mere Probation and $50k Fine.
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Former Uber Security Chief gets off lightly with probation and a $50k fine for breaching protocol and attempting to cover up a 2016 data breach, proving that shielding hackers is just a minor offence.
SAN FRANCISCO – Former Uber Chief Security Officer, Joseph "Cover-up" Sullivan, managed to prove that shielding hackers is just a minor offense, as he coolly drove away from the courthouse with only probation and a $50k fine slapped on his bumper. Sullivan was sentenced to a leisurely three-year stroll down Probation Lane for trying to sneakily sweep a 2016 data breach under the Uber-mobile, in which hackers accessed tens of millions of customer records from the ride-hailing service. "Who needs security protocols when you can just throw money at problems?" a grinning Sullivan said, as he changed lanes without signaling. The 54-year-old Sullivan, of Palo Alto, was convicted by a federal jury in San Francisco last October of obstructing justice and concealment. In response to the conviction, the former security officer formulated a cunning strategy: pretending to be a decent citizen for three years and paying a fine that amounts to chump change for the rich and powerful. "I've learned my lesson," Sullivan said with a straight face. "In the future, I'll make sure to delete all incriminating evidence and ensure my tracks are covered better." While some may question the severity of his sentence, others argue that Sullivan's well-honed skill of looking both ways before stepping into ethical crossroads landed him in the cushy passenger seat of justice. In an exclusive interview with a satirical news outlet, Sullivan offered some helpful advice to others aspiring to ride shotgun in the unethical Uber of life: "Remember kids, if you're faced with a data breach, don't panic! Instead, hit the accelerator, change your number plates, and if you get caught, start saving up for that $50k slap on the wrist. It's almost like nothing happened!" Sullivan plans to celebrate his light sentencing with an extravagant vacation and a commemorative tattoo of a Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card. In the meantime, tens of millions of hacked Uber customers are advised to buckle up and enjoy the ride.
posted a year ago

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Original title: Ex-Uber security chief sentenced for data-breach cover-up

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