MELBOURNE, AU - From the city that brought you "Summer Christmas" and those oh, so quaint, "Inflatable Pub Crawls", comes yet another charade of a beloved international festival. This time we're dialing up the chutzpah as we get ready to bungle the Bourbon Street magic for our very own faux Mardi Gras. That's right, folks, Melbourne proudly presents, "Fake Mardi Gras", like a crocodile masquerading as an alligator. Acknowledged universally as the party capital of Australia, Melbourne has a knack for thieving things from other cultures and continents and distorting them with a Down Under spin. Taking things to an entirely new (and questionable) level, the city will be going on a full-blown New Orleans-style indulgence spree this February. Let's make something clear, a Mardi Gras in Melbourne will be about as authentic as a kangaroo on roller skates. Sure, they'll hire a ragtag brass band that will cover 'When the Saints Go Marching in' and 'Down by the Riverside'. But lest we forget, this is Melbourne, where even Dixieland gets marred by the unbeatable urge to slip in a didgeridoo solo. The festivities are set to include everything from a fake float parade to reconstructed multicoloured bead necklaces – because, obviously, nothing screams Louisiana like cheap, plastic baubles made in China. Expected participants will variegate from mildly amorous tourists, seeking a hedonistic "Spirit of New Orleans", to locals just eager for another reason to drink. The city centre will be transformed into a facsimile of the French Quarter, a true testament to Australia's originality. Reportedly, there will be an array of food stalls boasting "authentic Creole cuisine." I can hardly wait to savor the culinary world's first 'shrimp gumbo' with a hint of Vegemite. Melbourne City Council, bravely ignoring the fact that it is, in fact, thousands of miles away from the Mississippi River, stated, "We'll bring the zing, if you bring the beads." An intriguing offer from a city currently confusing a Louisiana-based festival with a breakfast spread. And who knows how they'll deal with the concept of 'King Cake'. Will we find a (biodegradable) plastic baby in the middle, or perhaps a small figurine of Australia's lovable wombat - a beady-eyed marsupial that, much like this event, has absolutely no connection to New Orleans? Let's keep New Orleans where it belongs, in the heart of Louisiana, where the charm and history ooze out from its cobblestone streets. But until then, fasten your seatbelts, Melbourne, and hold onto your fake Mardi Gras beads. This is going to be one bumpy ride 'Down Under.' Here's to hoping the only thing that doesn't go down under is your sense of authenticity.