In a groundbreaking initiative that could only be described as a masterclass in irony, the Environmental Protection Agency has announced plans to rehire several employees just in time for the apparent crumbling of its workforce. Amid reports of mass resignations and vacancies so numerous they could double as an open-air hiring fair, the EPA is asserting itself as the environmental justice matchmaker of the century by exclusively targeting those former staff members who left the agency in search of greener pastures—or perhaps just greener policies that wouldn’t make them cringe. As the majority of its workforce evaporates faster than a plastic bag in the wind, the EPA confidently rolled out their interpretive dance of workforce restoration—dubbed “The Great Rehire”—which aims to bring back the prodigal sons and daughters of environmental regulation. According to insiders, the agency is tapping into exciting new ways to dazzle the public while ignoring more alarming realities, such as outdated budgets and the ongoing chemical slurry spoilers threatening everything from our water to our sanity. “Look, we know our attrition rates rival those found in a bad reality show. But why fill those positions with fresh talent when we can simply shower love and benefits on those who left?" exclaimed the EPA spokesperson, adorned in recycled denim and sporting a whimsical smile. “It’s not just about retaining experience; it’s about rekindling old flames. Love for the environment can transcend the boundaries of, you know, basic sanity.” The announcement comes with a strong caveat: the rehired staff will be tasked with the increasingly complex job of educating the remaining employees on what “working” used to look like, since many have only heard whispers of it from the depths of their Zoom calls. The agency, known for its glossy brochures and lofty ideals, hopes these nostalgic hires will summon the spirit of bygone bureaucratic excellence while simultaneously referencing “environmental best practices” they can no longer remember—thus inspiring a new wave of unintentional comedy. Simultaneously, the EPA has undertaken an ambitious campaign aimed at luring fresh talent to replace those who have opted out of what seems to be a modern-day horror show. With recruitment posters plastered around town proclaiming "Help Us Help You Not Regret Joining!", the agency is achieving record levels of head-scratches. Rumor has it, they’re even contemplating flashy recruitment tactics like inflatable yard signs and a limited-edition line of eco-themed energy drinks, “Green Guava—because saving the planet doesn’t have to taste bad.” External observers, however, are skeptical. “This rehire initiative is the equivalent of rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic—except the chairs are made of recycled plastic waste, and the iceberg is a mountain of toxic sludge,” quipped one analyst, shaking their head at the irony. “The agency has turned from a legitimate institution into the world’s most dysfunctional family reunion, competing over who can mismanage with the most charm.” As disillusionment among environmentalists grows, the cheeky ethos of the EPA’s rehire scheme leaves many wondering: is this the heartwarming story of second chances, or merely the final act in a tragicomedy playing out on a national stage? Either way, as the agency continues its dance of irony amid the crumbling infrastructure of environmental protection, one thing is certain—the laughs might just be the only thing keeping it afloat.