In a groundbreaking study released by the Institute for the Perpetually Concerned, researchers have discovered that eco-anxiety—defined as the acute stress and existential dread brought on by the constant barrage of climate-change news—has now officially surpassed all known forms of anxiety, including public speaking, airplane travel, and the thought of running into your ex at a wedding. Participants in the study reported feelings of overwhelming despair as they opened their news apps to find not just one, but a curated selection of terrifying headlines about 1.5-degree temperature rises, declining bee populations, and yet another celebrity lifestyle influencer promoting a water bottle made from recycled unicorn tears. “It’s like trying to read the weather report and finding out it’s the apocalypse instead,” lamented one 27-year-old eco-anxiety sufferer desperately attempting to reduce her carbon footprint by getting rid of her Netflix subscription. As global temperatures rise—along with the number of anxiety-fueled group therapy sessions—experts offer tips for finding inner peace in this “world on fire.” Suggestions include meditative practices like “Breath Control While Watching the Ocean’s Tide Sip Away at Coastal Cities,” and “Deep Focus on Your Solar Panels While Ignoring The Fact That Your Neighbor’s Lawn is Still a Fossil Fuel Paradise.” When asked for insights, local yoga instructors have opted for more niche retreats, such as “Vinyasa Flow in a Melting Glacier,” which promises not only flexibility but also a deep sense of despair crafted from the loss of entire ecosystems. Meanwhile, eco-therapy clinics are popping up like mushrooms after a rainstorm, offering services like guided lamentation sessions and nature walks before lamenting the disappearance of those very nature spots. “We take our clients on a trek through an increasingly barren landscape, allowing them to grieve the losses while practicing mindfulness—all under the shadow of the decaying polar bear mural,” said one eco-therapist, twinkling with excitement as she recited her new mantra, “Acceptance for all things, especially if you own a hybrid.” Paradoxically, eco-activism is now being marketed as a trendy social activity, with contemporary slogans like “Join the Cause, Feel the Dread.” Activists are finding solace in community-based panic as they wave signs about climate justice while nervously sipping artisanal oat milk lattes. “We’re all in this together, and who better to share our collective anxiety with than this tribe of fellow doom-scrollers?” one activist yelled, pacing in a branded “Save Mother Earth” t-shirt. In a bid to combat eco-anxiety, fast fashion giant GretaKiss has launched a new line of environmentally destructive apparel that comes with built-in eco-guilt. Denim jackets are emblazoned with phrases like “Climate Change is My Cardio” and skirts made from recycled plastic bottles, promising an inevitable breakdown when your friends ask if you’ve started composting yet. As the world heats up, one thing is for sure: the prevalence of eco-anxiety ensures that meditation apps will continue their relentless rise in popularity. Special features include “Soothing Soundscapes of Melting Ice Caps” and, for those especially anxious, “Guided Visualizations of a World Where Climate Change Was Just a Phase,” ensuring that followers can breathe easy—at least until the next news cycle.