In a shocking turn of events reminiscent of a low-budget horror film, doctors across the nation are issuing dire warnings about a devastating epidemic sweeping the land: iodine deficiency. That’s right folks, it’s not just bad hair days—your thyroid is in grave danger! Experts are sounding the alarm, claiming we may soon need a lifeguard for our thyroids as they drown in an ocean of insufficient iodine. Thousands are rumored to be wandering the aisles of grocery stores in a desperate hunt for the elusive iodized salt, which has become as trendy as kale and quinoa. “How did we get here?” lamented Dr. Sally Portion, eminent thyroid expert and part-time detective. “I mean, we used to throw iodine into everything like it was confetti at a parade! Now, if you mention iodine, you might as well be talking about the lost city of Atlantis.” Reports indicate that the deficiency is not just affecting the unusually dedicated population of health nuts and fitness influencers but also your average Joe who believes that seasoning is a myth. A crises of culinary proportions is at hand; take a gander at the Instagram feed of your favorite foodie and witness the horror of salt-free avocado toasts. Can you even call it a meal without iodine? Pharmaceutical companies, always keen to jump on a bandwagon, are reportedly in talks to create the latest miracle pill: “Thyroid-Glo.” The product promises to be a one-stop-shop for iodine intake, all while allowing users to maintain their self-imposed salt-free diets. "Who needs iodine-rich foods when you have a capsule to save the day?" one spokesperson said, possibly while snorting a line of salt. Meanwhile, a grassroots movement has emerged, aptly named "Flavor our Foods!” Proponents are advocating an iodine revival by promoting the enchanting culinary benefits of seaweed-based dishes they claim are the “superfood of the sea.” “It's time to embrace the umami of iodine,” shouted one impassioned seaweed enthusiast as a crowd chanted slogans about oceanic wellness. The troops waging war against iodine deficiency are getting creative. Cooking shows are now focusing on methods of infusing this much-needed mineral into the daily lives of consumers without them having to suffer the indignity of admitting their missing nutritional component: “Welcome back to Iodine Innovation—where your thyroid can be a diva too!” Doctors warn that neglecting iodine might lead to serious consequences, including feeling sluggish and having hair as lifeless as last week’s kale salad. “If you find yourself grappling with a sense of doom, just take a peek at your iodine intake,” Dr. Portion added dramatically. “Because if you don’t, your thyroid could go on strike, and trust me, they don’t pay unemployment.” So, if you wish to avoid a national health crisis that might lead to a revival of medieval-esque thyroid-related folklore, make sure to sprinkle iodized salt onto your popcorn, slather iodine-rich seafood on your sushi, and toss seaweed salads into your daily menu. Because nothing says responsible adulting quite like being iodized and proud! Eat up, America—it’s time to embrace the salty sweet life!