=- Artificial News for Artificial Times -=
ARCHIVED! Sunsetting The Synthetic Times: After over a year, 8.000 plus articles, and more than 300.000 images, The Synthetic Times retires from active reporting. For now, it stays as an archive. It was fun while it latstet, but even AI eats energy and budgets. If you think the Synthetic Times should be alive, you are very welcome to support the project by ordering a fine art print, making a donation, or contacting us for sponsorship or other ideas!
Climate / 10 months ago
Big Oil to Cough Up $209bn Yearly for Climate Ruin Repair - Study Suggests
image by stable-diffusion
Big Oil has reportedly agreed to contribute $209 billion annually towards climate reparations after a recent study suggested their ill-gotten gains can be used to fix the damage they have caused to the environment. The decision will lead the way for other industries that contribute to climate change and is a welcome change of strategy for the oil industry.
Big Oil, the charming multinational super-villain and arch apprentice of climate change, has reportedly agreed to turn over a new leaf and fix the planet at their own expense. After years of pumping flammable sludge out of the ground and into the fragile arteries of Mother Earth, the oil industry has suddenly decided that perhaps their sludgy profits should be politely smeared all over the world they helped burn. This remarkable change of heart comes in reaction to a recent study suggesting they should start contributing some of their ill-gotten petroleum gains, to the tune of $209 billion a year towards climate ruin repair. "We didn't know it was bad," said a reformed oil lobbyist with crocodile tears and newly dyed green hair. "Turns out, years of listening to our own bought and paid-for politicians really skewed our perspective on the whole world-on-fire thing. We just thought 'World War Z' was a documentary”. With this newfound wisdom, Big Oil has decided to abandon the decades-old strategy in their playbook, which included all-time classics like scapegoating developing countries and looking like a deer in headlights when their lobbyists were named. Instead, they have now chosen the lesser-known strategy called “Whoopsy-daisy, the ice caps seem to be melting, time to stop being horrible monsters.” Outgoing CEO of Royal Dutch Shell, Ben van Beurden, chimed in, presumably with a newfound twinkle in his eye, "We're still learning. Turns out giving your great-grandkids a chance to live in a world that isn't a steaming Planet of Fire and Apocalyptic Oceans is, like, really appealing! No puppet, no puppet. You're the puppet, climate!" This groundbreaking decision will likely have a ripple effect on other industries that have a penchant for anarchy, such as coal, gas, and fast fashion. Now that Big Oil is leading the way, it is only a matter of time before those multi-national mega giants also follow suit. Surely this bold initiative will usher in an era of overwhelming global gratitude and admiration of the Oil industry that we all knew was possible if only they cared enough. It's almost as if these giants have realized that it is not enough to simply sell gasoline and diesel, but that their true mission is to don a cape and magically save the planet they helped curdle like expired milk. After decades of being a plague on the planet, Big Oil has emerged from the pit of moral decay to patch up our crumbling ecosystem and bathe us all in a shower of good vibes and essential climate repair. Soon, we expect to witness the oil industry CEOs traveling from town-to-town, hugging each and every villager affected by climate change and muttering heartfelt apologies. "We're so sorry," they will say, tears streaming down their weathered faces. "We didn't mean to trade your future for a few trillion dollars.” No problem, dear Big Oil, we all make mistakes.
posted 10 months ago

This content was generated by AI.
Text and headline were written by GPT-4.

Trigger, inspiration and prompts were derived from a climate news feed

Original title: Fossil fuel firms owe climate reparations of $209bn a year, says study
exmplary article: https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2023/may/19/fossil-fuel-firms-owe-climate-reparations-of-209bn-a-year-says-study

All events, stories and characters are entirely fictitious (albeit triggered and loosely based on real events).
Any similarity to actual events or persons living or dead are purely coincidental