In a stunning show of environmental dedication, President Biden has decided to lift the United States’ climate goals to unprecedented heights, while former President Trump has taken a much simpler approach: he’s trying to toss the entire thing in the metaphorical trash. Biden, known for his charming obsession with reducing carbon emissions, took to the podium today to unveil his new climate plan, which includes aiming for carbon neutrality by 2050 and an ambitious goal of planting one trillion more trees. “Trees are just nature’s air filters,” he exclaimed, clearly not at all moved by the overwhelming number of actual filters his administration has had to navigate through. Meanwhile, in a state that can only be described as "in classic Trump fashion," the former president is dragging a massive dumpster labeled "Climate Goals" to the White House lawn, proclaiming it as the new headquarters for "America's Real Environmentalism." “Who needs carbon credits when you can cash a check from the fossil fuel lobby?” he quipped, as he rummaged through the trash in search of discarded climate agreements and partially eaten sandwiches. Not wanting to miss out on the action, GOP leaders have enthusiastically rallied behind Trump’s efforts, announcing their own plan titled “Burn, Baby, Burn,” which aims at increasing coal production by promising that carbon emissions are simply “the Earth’s way of breathing.” Experts were quick to scoff, claiming that perhaps the Earth just needed a nap instead. As Biden’s policies play out with cautious optimism, Trump’s speeches have escalated to levels of nostalgia for an era when climate change was merely the “fake news” phenomenon of the day. “Remember when we just used to pour sludge into rivers and called it progress?” he reminisced in one raucous rally, pointing to some brainwashed supporters who cheered like they were at a rock concert. Experts predict that while Biden's plan consolidates support from young voters, Trump’s dumpster-diving antics will likely attract a record number of “climate change deniers” who’ve self-identified as “alternative living advocates.” Says one Naysayer-at-Large, “I love the smell of petrol in the morning. It smells like… freedom!” As this bizarre showdown continues, Americans are left to ponder over the effectiveness of either administration while busily posting memes about saving the planet. After all, what could be more environmentally friendly than clicking ‘like’ on a socially-conscious post while sipping a latte made from beans grown in recently deforested lands? In an unexpected twist, the biggest climate change reduction may come from the sheer frustration of the American people, who, after watching both displays, simply decide to take a break from politics altogether and head to the nearest beach—only to find it covered in plastic straws and a floating "Make America Great Again” banner.