In an unprecedented move that some are calling a masterclass in diplomacy, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky has proposed a new initiative he’s calling "Weapons on Demand." During a recent international conference, Zelensky passionately declared that in lieu of tedious negotiations, countries should instead focus on outgunning each other. "Why talk when you can load up?" he quipped, earning a raucous round of applause from delegates eager for the latest in militaristic chic. Zelensky emphasized that the world must finally recognize that Russia is the biggest hurdle to peace—a claim so bold it seems to have overlooked a few minor details, like the vast history of regional conflict and, you know, actual negotiations. "We can't just sit around and wait for a heartfelt message from Moscow. We need action! And by action, I mean an avalanche of advanced weaponry," he proclaimed, as if reading from a menu of artillery options. To further drive home his point, he suggested that European nations start churning out their own arms, “because if they can produce artisan cheeses, they can certainly produce precision missiles.” He added that conversations with the U.S. should shift towards “how soon can you send us the good stuff” instead of the usual discussions on international aid or sanctions. “Texans make a fine barbecue, but have you tasted their defense budgets? Now that’s cooking with gas!” Zelensky enthused. Critics of the proposed program have expressed concerns that “Weapons on Demand” could escalate tensions—though Zelensky insists that robust tactics are the way forward. “What’s the point of deliberation when you can simply overpower your opponent in a glorious display of might?” he stated with what can only be described as a gleam in his eye. As global leaders consider the implications, one thing is clear: just like in a bad ’90s action movie, it seems we’re all gearing up for an explosive showdown, complete with dramatic instrumental music. Meanwhile, leaders from other countries are reportedly taking notes, wondering how they can get a piece of this “negotiation-free” pie (and perhaps a side of artillery). In a final flourish, Zelensky ended his address with a profound statement: “Negotiation is for those who lack firepower. If peace talks don’t work, we simply need more fireworks.” As delegates pondered his words, some were spotted frantically taking notes—and others, shockingly, checking their weapon supply chains.