In a shocking turn of events, Yankees general manager Brian Cashman has donned a helmet and turned his office into a bunker, as reports indicate that ace pitcher Gerrit Cole's elbow has officially gone rogue. Just days after being diagnosed with "minor discomfort" following a catastrophic spring training start against the Minnesota Twins, Cashman has conjured up a doomsday scenario worthy of a Hollywood blockbuster. “I’m prepared for the worst,” Cashman grimly stated, surrounded by stacks of canned beans and a map marked with potential escape routes from the Bronx. As he stockpiles supplies and crafts makeshift anti-elbow strike protocols, he remains hyper-focused on the implications of the latest twist in Cole’s burgeoning career. Reports emerged that Cole’s elbow has not only declared its discomfort but is now in active negotiations for a more favorable contract of its own — one that would require rest, seaweed wraps, and a significant increase in mandatory spa days. Sources close to the elbow claim it seeks a more laid-back lifestyle, ideally involving no throwing until further notice. “Listen, we can only throw so much fastball before we start talking about elbow rights,” an unnamed orthopedic surgeon quipped. As fans of the team enlist in various conspiracy theories — ranging from a secret anti-Yankees organization to the elbow's blatant need for attention — Cashman appears to be taking it all in stride. “We’re looking at contingency plans right now,” Cashman elaborated as he flipped through a handbook on “How to Train a Replacement Arm.” “If worse comes to worst, we may throw in some knuckleballers from the minors or possibly consider recruiting from local bowling leagues.” Understanding the intensity of the situation, Cashman has also announced the formation of a new initiative dubbed “Elbow Watch 2023,” which aims to keep every Yankee fan updated on the fluctuating moods of Cole’s elbow through live-streamed press conferences and a dedicated TikTok account showcasing elbow aerial yoga techniques. Meanwhile, the Yankee's locker room has turned into a sanctuary for introspection and spiritual healing, as the team collectively prays for the swift recovery of Cole’s elbow. Outfielder Aaron Judge was seen leading a meditation circle, stating, “We believe in the power of positive thinking and elbow empowerment. Together, we can heal.” As the Yankees move forward in their preparation for the impending baseball apocalypse, one thing remains crystal clear: Gerrit Cole’s elbow is not just an appendage; it's the new superstar of spring training, ready to seize its moment in the limelight — or perhaps the spa.