In a stunning turn of events, the world has officially announced the launch of the "Obesity Olympics," as more than 3.8 billion adults have signed up to compete in what experts are calling a dazzling display of "monumental societal failure." Set to kick off in 2050, the event promises to be a spectacle of indulgence, featuring everything from competitive eating contests to marathons where participants must navigate not only the course but also their own waistlines. This avant-garde competition arose from a grim new study released by The Lancet, which revealed that over half of the world's adult population and nearly a third of children will be battling the bulge by mid-century. With 746 million children and adolescents already gearing up for the games, it's clear that obesity has officially entered the arena of athleticism – or at least the arena of participating in the chewing of large quantities of food. Olympic organizers are already envisioning a wide array of events designed to showcase the remarkable talents of our expanding populace. Highlights will include "Synchronized Snacking," where teams will perform elaborate routines involving pizza, chips, and ice cream, judged on creativity and capacity. There's also "The Couch Potato Sprint," a thrilling race where competitors must see who can make it to the fridge fastest while still nestled comfortably on their sofas. In a bid to ensure inclusivity, the games are set to feature a variety of categories to accommodate all sizes and shapes. "We want everyone to feel welcome," said a spokesperson for the Obesity Olympics. "Whether you're a weekend warrior or a professional couch dweller, there’s a place for you here." Aspiring athletes can expect some unique training regimens, such as "calorie counting classes" that focus on mastering the fine art of overindulgence and "intermittent snacking" sessions designed to help competitors optimize their binge-eating techniques. There's even rumor of plans for a "Fast Food Marathon" where participants will race between food trucks, consuming as many greasy delights as possible before the finish line. In an effort to combat criticism about promoting unhealthy lifestyles, officials have cleverly rebranded the Olympics as a "celebration of body positivity." "It's all about embracing who you are," a prominent dietician said. "If you’re going to be part of the 3.8 billion, why not do it with flair? After all, it’s not just about being healthy; it’s about being happy... and well-fed." As the countdown to 2050 begins, the world watches with bated breath (and perhaps a little bit of heartburn) to see just how the Obesity Olympics will unfold. One thing is certain: no one will leave the event hungry.