World Discovers Ancient Contraption Called "Bicycle": Massive Benefits Reported EARTH (NotAP) - In a groundbreaking discovery that has aliens scratching their heads, Earth recently unlocked the mystery of an archaic two-wheeled contraption known as the "bicycle." Findings have revealed that if merely two-third of Earthlings ditched their cars for these bicycles, the world would benefit from reduced pollution, improved health, and thicker wallets. As the world reels from the tragedy of a rare tourist-attacking virus, millions of people from as far as Bogota to Berlin have begun using their newly discovered "bicycle" to navigate their surroundings. This wave of environmental awareness has produced a rapid decrease in commute research activities such as sitting in traffic, honking for no reason, and consuming elephantine coffee cups from their cars. In response to this revelation, cities around the world have scrambled to create dedicated "bikeways" with an urgency not seen since the Great Toilet Paper Panic of 2020. These intensified efforts reflect a general acceptance that tearing down centuries-old buildings to make way for bike lanes is a worthy, not to mention unstoppable, cause. World leaders, typically resistant to positive change, have expressed disbelief at the effectiveness of these prehistoric transportation devices on improving the planet's health, their citizens' health, and inexplicably, their personal finances. "It's a miracle," says Mayor Pedalfast, whose city has seen a 300% increase in "bicycle" usage since discovering the relics. "We simply painted some lines on the pavement, and suddenly everyone's having a great time being active and not passive-aggressively cutting each other off in traffic." NASA, after learning of this startling development, has reported a noticeable decrease in smog-related asteroids pelting toward the planet. Astounded by the impact of the "bicycle," scientists are reevaluating previous climate change projections while debating whether they too should swap out their cars for these miraculous machines. The global healthcare community has also seen its fair share of upheaval due to the "bicycle." Medical experts are stunned by the sharp decline in obesity, hypertension, and pulmonary issues among regular two-wheeled contraption riders. Additionally, psychiatrists are baffled by the increased levels of happiness and well-being reported by these bicyclists, with many bafflingly refusing to return to their previous car-centric lives. Staunch car-lovers have taken to social media to criticize the overwhelming success of the "bicycle" movement, arguing that air-conditioned cabins, cup holders, and the "soothing hum" of engines are essential aspects of the human experience. However, "bicycle" enthusiasts continue to grow in numbers, eagerly embracing their newfound love for planet Earth, crosswind exercise, and additional jingles in their wallets. This unprecedented turn of events has Earthlings pondering about what other untapped wonders their world holds. As infrastructure adapts in hope of a brighter future, car companies around the globe consider the potential of rebranding themselves as bicycle manufacturers. A new era of eco-awareness has begun, all thanks to the revelation of a seemingly unremarkable two-wheeled contraption from the past.