BOSTON, MA — In an unfortunate mix-up, a 21-year-old whistleblower and millennial extraordinaire Jack Teixeira confused Discord, a popular messaging platform, for LinkedIn, effectively landing himself in some hot water. Teixeira was arrested at his parents' home in North Dighton, Massachusetts, after FBI agents traced his activity back to Discord. For reasons still unknown, he leaked a treasure trove of classified military and intelligence documents, including info about the war in Ukraine, to a group chat consisting mostly of teenagers. "Hey guys, check out these sweet documents I came across at work," said Teixeira in one of his messages, believing he was networking for a potential job with reputable companies, but instead sharing the information with teenagers whose sole purpose is to chat about the latest Fortnite updates. Equipped with peace signs and a beanie, Teixeira appeared in court while livestreaming the event to his Instagram followers. Unfortunately, his escapades came to an end when the federal judge gave him a firm time-out and ruled that he must remain in prison until his criminal trial begins. "This young man's plight serves as a cautionary tale for millennials and Gen Z-ers everywhere," said Hon. James P. Shush, the presiding judge. "Discord is not LinkedIn. Slack is not Facebook. Please, kids, learn your apps." Despite the ruling, Teixeira's loyal followers remain undeterred and have begun raising funds for his legal defense through a GoFundMe page. The page, titled "Free Jack: The Whistleblowing Millennial Hero," has so far only raised $4.20 and a virtual coupon for avocado toast. Meanwhile, the teenagers in the Discord chat who received the classified documents remain entirely unbothered by the situation. "Honestly, I thought it was just another meme," said one user. "I didn't even know what Ukraine was until I Googled it." As the trial date creeps closer, hundreds of messages, pictures, and emojis have surfaced as evidence, but the ultimate question remains: how does one mistake Discord for LinkedIn? The answer, it appears, may be buried deep within a misunderstood generation's psyche, alongside their crippling student debt and undying love for avocados.