In a shocking turn of events that left a mere six months' worth of wardrobe decisions hanging in the balance, West Ham United has announced the abrupt sacking of manager Julen Lopetegui. Rumor has it, the club is contemplating sending a parting gift of unpacked boxes and a “Welcome to West Ham” mat, just for kicks. Lopetegui’s tenure, which lasted approximately the time it takes to binge-watch a mediocre series, was characterized by strategic planning, questionable tactics, and a fascinating relationship with the club’s toaster—reportedly one of the only things that ever heated up under his watch. West Ham's board released a heartfelt statement, thanking their recently fired manager for his "hard work during their time with the Hammers," which, let’s face it, could also be interpreted as an earnest prayer that he fared better with his future endeavors—possibly managing a youth soccer league or a local coffee shop, perhaps even teaching "How Not to Unpack: A Masterclass in Short-Lived Stays." Lopetegui’s firing has prompted urgent speculation about who might fill the managerial void. Early front-runners for his replacement include former AC Milan boss Paulo Fonseca and a local man named Gary, who once led his village team to a stunning defeat of 12-0 against the neighboring village in a friendly match. Reports suggest Gary’s innovative strategy of scoring zero goals but looking incredibly cool doing it has attracted much interest from the board. Meanwhile, discussions are ongoing regarding the fate of Lopetegui's backroom staff. Fans have been assured that they will be released from their contracts in a manner that resembles “how a magician pulls a tablecloth from under a dinner set—gracefully, without shattering everything.” Among those let go were assistant Pablo Sanz, head of performance Oscar Caro, head analyst Juan Vicente Peinado, fitness coach Borja De Alba, and technical coach Edu Rubio—who are all reportedly considering forming a new independent agency focused on making "jubilant exits from underperforming sports teams." While the search for Lopetegui's successor sweeps the land faster than a gossiping grandmother at a family reunion, the loyal West Ham fans can only look on with weary eyes and slightly packed bags. As they cling to memories of an exhilarating six-month whirlwind, they are left wondering: Can we ever truly know a man if we never saw him unpack?! Only time will tell.