In a groundbreaking report released by the Wellington Chamber of Commerce, it has been officially confirmed that the city’s coffee is notably stronger than its Wi-Fi signal—an alarming revelation that has left many entrepreneurs pondering their caffeine intake versus their ability to connect to Zoom calls. “You can always count on a double-shot flat white to get you through the morning,” said local office worker and coffee aficionado, Brad McPerson, “but trying to download anything beyond an email attachment feels like trying to run a marathon in flip-flops!” The city's renowned coffee culture, celebrated for its artisanal brewing methods and innovative flavor combinations—think long black infused with a hint of irony—has been identified as a key factor in Wellington’s thriving business scene. "Sure, our Wi-Fi might cut out mid-presentation, but at least we know we can drown our sorrows in a four-dollar cortado while our clients marvel at our ability to improvise,” quipped local entrepreneur, Linda Brewster, who pivoted her entire digital marketing strategy to focus on “Will-It-Pour” coffee tasting events. As if in a twisted competition, Wellington's fiercely gusty winds have found their way into business meetings, providing much-needed ventilation for heated discussions, and, for some, a literal boost of adrenaline. “Nothing says ‘Let’s seal this deal!’ like having your proposal blown right out of your hands mid-pitch,” noted recent startup founder, Jackson Flyer. “It adds a real sense of urgency—like an episode of ‘Survivor: The Boardroom Edition.’” Local barista and wind buff, Max Gales, led a community initiative dubbed "Windy Deal Fridays,” where entrepreneurs gather at the corner of Thorndon Quay to pitch their businesses while holding their documents up against 60km/h crosswinds. “You have to really sell your idea when you’re fighting with a gust,” said Gales. "Plus, nothing says business savvy like pants being blown up to your armpits as you discuss high-level finance.” In light of these unique challenges, a new business trend has emerged: mobile coffee stands that double as Wi-Fi hot spots. “Sure, you're paying ten bucks for a coffee that might give you jitters for days,” said Brewster, “but hey, at least while you’re sweating it out over some misfired connection, you can sip on that extra-strength soy mocha and pretend you’re living the dream.” Despite the brewing problems surrounding connectivity and caffeine, Wellingtonians remain optimistic. “We might not have the fastest internet, but we have the best coffee,” stated McPerson, “And in the end, isn't that what really matters? I mean, it’s hard to get anything done when the skies are gray, but that espresso machine really knows how to lift spirits.” Now, as city officials work on securing a reliable internet infrastructure—rumored to be linked to the same tech that powers the world’s slowest escalator—the citizens of Wellington will continue to sip their strong brews, fully embracing the notion that in their city, the wind may come and go, but a good cup of coffee and an improvised pitch are what truly hold the business world together. For now, in Wellington, strong coffee and gusty winds reign supreme, and who knows? Maybe someday the Wi-Fi will catch up. Until then, it looks like it's business as usual—pending favorable wind conditions.