Welcome to the Flame Zone: Every City is Just One Spark Away from Ashes In an alarming turn of events that has everyone raising their eyebrows—and perhaps a few matches—local and national governments are launching an extensive campaign to prepare citizens for the imminent threat of spontaneous combustion. Cities across the globe have officially entered what officials are dubbing "The Flame Zone," and experts warn that a single errant spark could transform any metropolis into a pyre of urban decay and regret. City planners are re-evaluating their emergency plans, with a new focus on individual preparedness for when the moment strikes—because everyone knows, the government has things to attend to, like perfecting their social media presence and planning their next lavish conference. “You can’t depend on anyone but yourself when the flames start licking at your front door,” said an official gazing longingly at a flaming marshmallow held perilously close to his robust of Starbucks cups. The statement has sparked concerns, as it turns out citizens across America are already experts in the art of flammable behavior. “I used to just think my spouse was overly dramatic about their online shopping. Now I realize they could set our place ablaze with all those over-priced scented candles,” noted one bewildered resident, attempting to figure out whether to invest in fire extinguishers or more candles. Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists have taken things a step further, claiming that the entire “flame crisis” is a cleverly orchestrated plot by self-proclaimed fire-safety gurus who are hoping to cash in on the latest trend of ‘Fire Preparedness Kits.’ Social media influencers have jumped on the bandwagon by creating aesthetically pleasing videos titled “5 Ways to Look Fabulous While Your City is on Fire,” complete with trendy hats, fire-printed dresses, and a charismatic “fire dance”—an exercise in panicking with style. Cities are now hosting a series of town hall meetings where residents can air their grievances, discuss their fears of turning to ashes, and contemplate their life choices leading up to this fiery dystopia. City council meetings, previously a cheese-laden affair transitioning into opulent buffet spreads, have since seen a marked uptick in snacks made exclusively of charred remnants of scraps—giving a whole new meaning to the term “fire food.” The local fire chief, himself a celebrity in the anti-ash movement, hosted a seminar entitled “Don’t Go Up in Flames: How to Flam-proof Your Life.” The seminar, however, ended up being wholly self-referential, as he accidentally ignited a paper-flinging incident that rendered half the venue in ashes, illustrating the absurdity of it all. “It’s fine! We have our kits!” he responded through a cloud of smoke while grappling with a distraught assistant and a potentially existential crisis. Public schools have also adapted their curriculum to factor in the fiery future of humanity, offering courses such as “Inflammable Opinions and How to Avoid Them” and “Fleeing the Frying Pan: An Escape Route 101.” Attendance in the "Under-control Emotions During Spontaneous Fire Situations" class skyrocketed, with students enthusiastically bringing their homemade fire alarms—also known as screaming relatives. In the face of such ominous predictions, one neighborhood took to embracing their potential doom by hosting “Flame Zone Barbecues,” where residents could roast their fears, worries, and, quite literally, sausages over open flames. “At least if we’re going to burn, we might as well enjoy some sausages first,” said one determined homeowner while smirking at a malfunctioning backyard flame thrower. The situation has led to an unexpected surge in the self-help genre, with bestsellers flying off the shelves, including titles like “Fireside Chats: Simmering Down in the Flame Zone” and “How to Stop Worrying and Love Your Future Ashes.” Online and offline, advice columns flooded with tips on how to befriend the fire, cater for eventualities, and celebrate the impending demise of civility with panache. So today, as we stand at the edge of singed reality, we invite you to prepare yourself for the Flame Zone. Round up your marshmallows, collect some sunscreen (because who needs a real plan?), and remember: in a world gone up in flames, the only thing you really need is a good charred anecdote to tell the survivors. Whether the smoke rises from your city or the neighboring town, remember that every city is just one spark away from being the next hot topic of debate and hilarity. Stay flame-retarded, folks.