In a groundbreaking policy shift reflecting the true essence of democracy, Oregon has become the first state to grant its police forces exclusive rights to “occupy” public spaces—protests not required! The decision comes amid a growing trend of local governments finding innovative ways to maintain public order and, importantly, the status quo. In a press conference held at the Oregon State Capitol, Governor “No-Nonsense” Jones declared, “We believe it’s time for the officers who keep our streets safe to enjoy some exclusive rights when it comes to public assembly. Our brave men and women in blue should not have to engage in the bothersome nuisance of public dissent when they can simply occupy a space instead.” Under the new ordinance, officers will have the green light to set up camp anywhere they deem necessary. Potential hotspot locations include parks, sidewalks, and even the governor’s mansion lawn. Community members are encouraged to avoid any attempts at assembling around these sites—after all, only law enforcement deserves the privilege of an impromptu tent city. In response to concerns regarding the lack of actual protests, police chief Sally Shield expressed her excitement. “We’re all about the ‘occupy’ lifestyle now! It’s great to know that we don’t need pesky protesters pushing for change when we can set up our own tents. Who needs heated debates and passionate speeches when you can just roll out a sleeping bag and take a nap?” Community leaders, of course, are thrilled for this change. “As a longtime activist, I have always dreamed of a time when the police would occupy spaces for us,” said local resident Frances Figg, “I used to think protesting was essential, but now I see the light—why bother when the police can have all the fun without the drama?” Many Oregon citizens have expressed confusion over the new law. A survey conducted among non-police Oregonians revealed that 87% of people currently feel underwhelmed by their inability to take over parks. “What am I supposed to do while they enjoy their government-funded campsite?” said local cynic Dave Grump, “Just sit back and watch them have all the fun? This is not what I signed up for in my taxpayer-funded education!” Local businesses are also adjusting to the news. The owner of a popular coffee shop next to the state capitol announced “Police Special” discounts, offering patrol officers free coffee during their indefinite occupation. “It’s nice to have them there,” she said, “They keep me safe from the tourists who might want to protest something ridiculous. And let’s be real, who needs diversity in dialogue when you can have one-sided discussions over gourmet lattes?” As this new era begins, many wonder what the implications of this exclusive “occupy” privilege will be for the state. Some speculate that Oregon may soon see an influx of police-trained protests, complete with inter-departmental poetry slams about the joys of public occupancy. Others wonder whether police might even start charging admission for their campsites—an invaluable opportunity for street performers hoping to monetize Oregon’s prosperous ‘cop-occupy’ culture. And so, as Oregon stands on the precipice of this unprecedented era of non-protestation, the only certainty remains: if you can’t beat them, just occupy them—preferably with a badge pinned to your chest.