Welcome to America: A Guided Tour of Our Hospitality (No Reservations Required, Just Patience) In a stunning turn of events, America has officially opened its doors to the world, announcing a brand new guided tour—"Welcome to America: A Guided Tour of Our Hospitality." For those seeking a unique experience, we promise you're in for a treat, provided you come equipped with an ample supply of patience, snacks, and perhaps a few soothing essential oils to manage the anxiety of our warm welcome. The tour, which promises to illustrate what it means to be American, starts promptly at noon—every day, give or take a few hours—depending on the availability of tour guides, weather, and if there's a “code orange” alert that day for any reason. Visitors should arrive at least three hours ahead to secure a spot in one of our vast waiting lines, perfect for mingling with other like-minded individuals who are also in desperate need of a vacation. Our first stop? The quintessential American diner, where guests can observe how “fast food” is anything but. Marvel at the intricate choreography of fervent kitchen staff as they labor over a grill of burgers that will arrive promptly in the next decade. Be sure to indulge in our local delicacies—cold coffee served in lukewarm cups, water iced just above room temperature, and assorted metal cutlery that seems to have been recovered from the wreckage of the Titanic. Next, get ready for an exceptional experience in our premier healthcare facilities. Here, we celebrate our uniquely hospitable approach to patient care. You might find yourself waiting in a warmly decorated room for the near future just to find out that the doctor is running behind—a mere five hours late! The charm of strolling through a crowded waiting room, filled with fellow Americans sharing their health woes, is sure to inspire camaraderie like never before. As the journey continues, visitors are invited to participate in our highly interactive town hall meetings—mostly conducted on social media platforms. Experience the true essence of hospitality as citizens passionately debate local issues while managing a barrage of online trolls, all while attempting to avoid eye contact with anyone in physical proximity. We conclude our tour with a stop at a neighborhood barbecue—family-friendly, where you’ll surely get a sense of that famed American "welcome." Enjoy the aroma of grilled meats, the sound of friendly arguments about whose ribs are superior, and no shortage of potato salad that may or may not contain gluten, dairy, or actual potatoes—let's keep the mystery alive! Guests are encouraged to bring their own drinks, as establishments are famed for stringent “no outside alcohol” policies. And just when you thought you’d get an actual taste of American hospitality, let us remind you of our newest policy—tips are mandatory, even if we haven’t really served you anything of value. Remember, it’s not about the service provided; it's about the expectation of service. In an era of relentless turmoil and snowballing absurdity, this is America’s lovely gift to the world—an open invitation to experience our hospitality, requiring none of that pesky reservation nonsense. All you really need is the ability to wait indefinitely, a resilient spirit, and a travel mug full of your sanity. Enjoy your stay—we hope it's as delightful as a tax audit!