Walmart Announces 'Diversity Lite' Program: Because 'Diversity Regular' Was Just Too Much In a groundbreaking move that is sure to redefine corporate responsibility, Walmart has announced its new 'Diversity Lite' initiative, just in time for the holiday shopping frenzy. This trimmed-down version of its previous diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) programs means customers can now experience a thinner, less filling approach to social responsibility while stocking up for Black Friday. The announcement comes as Walmart responds to an impending conservative boycott that threatened to shake the very foundation of America’s favorite retail therapy destination. Executives at Walmart, after intense boardroom discussions accompanied by copious amounts of caffeinated beverages, realized that, when faced with the prospect of losing shoppers, sometimes less truly is more. "We looked at our DEI initiatives and thought, why not make it simpler?" said a Walmart spokesperson, who preferred to remain anonymous but was seen furrowing their brow while clutching a copy of "The Art of the Deal." "Diversity Lite is about creating a more casual experience. Think of it as choosing a local microbrew over a robust craft beer—familiar, approachable, and far less complicated." The stripped-down initiative shifts focus from noticeable diversity efforts to a more subtle approach. Instead of hiring a diverse talent pool, Walmart is now committed to hiring for "fit"—which, coincidentally, aligns perfectly with the traditional American values celebrated every November. Included in the new Diversity Lite package are such groundbreaking features as: 1. Colorful Uniforms: Employees will now don uniforms in a variety of hues, but only one color per department, eliminating the bothersome spectrum of diversity in apparel choices. 2. Cultural Awareness "Lite" Training: Associates will be instructed to avoid discussions of race, gender, or any baggage-laden topics longer than three minutes—enough time to stock shelves but not enough to help anyone unpack their experiences. 3. Diverse Holiday Merchandise Lines: Walmart will offer a limited-edition collection of festive ornaments representing various popular cultures—though the ornaments will be manufactured in the same factory as the everyday products, just with a fun holiday twist! 4. Discounts for Everybody, With a Catch: In a move designed to ensure fairness, customers can claim a discount only if they can successfully name three brands associated with the LGBTQ+ community—but it’s completely optional. Because really, who wants to put work into their shopping? Commenting on the bold initiative, anti-woke activist Robby Starbuck expressed delight, stating, "Walmart is doing a great service to its shoppers. Who wants to be reminded of social issues while they're trying to find the best deal on a flat-screen TV? Let’s keep the conversations to the cash register, thank you very much!" As Black Friday approaches, Walmart’s decision to incorporate a watered-down version of its DEI strategy is set to resonate with shoppers across the aisles. "It’s like diet soda," they mused. "You still get the fizz, but much less guilt. Plus, you might just save a few calories in the process!" So this holiday season, whether you're loading up on non-descript holiday decorations or just popping in for the latest deals on whatever you can find, remember: at Walmart, inclusion is just a few degrees cooler—and much quieter—than it used to be. Happy shopping!