In a shocking turn of events, Volkswagen has announced its latest strategy to boost productivity: “No Work, No Pay, No Problem!” In a bold move that has sent shockwaves through the automotive industry, executives are set to begin negotiations with IG Metall, the powerful union that has been known to take a stand for workers’ rights—especially when it comes to bread on the table and a roof over their heads. As the talks commence, the air is thick with tension. Union leaders are sharpening their negotiation skills, armed with slogans like “Pay Us or We’ll Shut It Down!” Meanwhile, Volkswagen executives are preparing their best poker faces, convinced that nothing represents a bargaining chip quite like the threat of factory closures and a healthy dose of existential dread. In an exclusive behind-the-scenes peek, sources reveal that the company's new ‘just-in-time’ philosophy has taken a literal spin: if the unions don’t get the raises they want, Volkswagen might just implement ‘just-in-time’ layoffs, because who needs a full workforce when you can harness the chaos of uncertainty? In a recent internal memo, one executive was quoted as saying, “Every hour not worked is an hour we can hold a press conference about stuff that doesn’t matter!” The IG Metall union has vowed not to take these threats lying down. Leaders are contemplating a two-pronged approach: camp out in front of the factories and bake an excessive amount of pretzels to serve as a distraction. “Who can resist freshly baked pretzels while discussing labor rights?” one union member mused. As for the workers, many are confused about what’s more troubling: the potential for job loss or the idea that their next contract may include a mandatory seminar on ‘Fun with Layoffs.’ “I’d rather be laid off than sit through another one of those,” sighed one disgruntled employee. “At least when you're unemployed you don’t have to pretend to like the boss's jokes.” Meanwhile, local cafes are preparing for a surge in business as union representatives promise to supply unlimited coffee to any worker who feels the need to organize an impromptu protest during the negotiations. “Nothing fuels a good protest like caffeine, and we’re ready to serve!” exclaimed the owner of the most popular cafe across the street from the Volkswagen plant. In the grand scheme of things, this standoff may end up being less of a negotiation and more of a reality TV showdown: "Survivor: Volkswagen Edition". Viewers can tune in to see if the workers' steadfast refusal to budge on wages ultimately leads to a heartwarming reconciliation or a dramatic cliffhanger involving a giant pretzel catapult. As both sides ready themselves for the battle ahead, analysts are already pondering the implications for the wider automotive industry. One analyst cynically noted, “If they really wanted to fight this, they should consider the age-old tactic of bringing in a giant inflatable rat. Nothing says ‘compromise’ like a massive rodent in the boardroom!” For now, all eyes are on Hanover, where negotiations are expected to be fierce, pretzels are sure to be plentiful, and the true meaning of ‘pay us’ remains highly negotiable.