In a stunning announcement from the Austrian Tourism Board, it has been declared that Vienna will officially implement a new policy allowing it to "wait" indefinitely for visitors who are currently unable to escape the clutches of their own mundane, schnitzel-deprived lives. This whimsical initiative has been dubbed “Vienna Waits for You,” and it aims to attract those who yearn for a glorious escape to the land of schnitzels and symphonies. Residents of Vienna, however, are reportedly puzzled. “I thought we were just supposed to be delightful and charming, not patient,” noted local café owner Kurt Strudel, who has shifted his focus from serving coffee to offering a masterclass on 'patience' with a side of Sachertorte. “It’s exhausting waiting for people who can’t even pronounce ‘Wiener Schnitzel’ correctly!” As part of the initiative, Viennese residents will be seen lounging around in hyper-realistic costumes representing various tourist attractions. Expect to encounter folks dressed as the majestic Schönbrunn Palace, performing interpretive dances to imagine tourists marveling at their gardens. “I think I was supposed to be the Habsburgs, but I spent three hours getting stuck in this robe,” moaned a bewildered 22-year-old student masquerading as Maria Theresa. “All I wanted was a hot dog from Würstelstand!” The decision to adopt this policy is reportedly prompted by Vienna's recent bout of existential crisis triggered by an influx of virtual tourists immersing themselves in online travel blogs while sipping on coffee at home. “If they can’t come to us, we can bring the essence of Vienna to them!” proclaimed the board’s spokesperson, who mysteriously appeared in lederhosen mid-sentence and stubbornly insisted on yodeling his announcements instead of using a microphone. Families across Austria are preparing for a new wave of virtual von Trapps gracing their screens as the tourism board plans to host weekly "Waiting for You" video calls. During these live-streamed events, locals will engage with viewers by sarcastically commenting on their lives, mocking their lack of cultural zest, and offering unsolicited advice on how to properly use a fork and knife when tackling a wiener. “It’s like reality TV, just with more schnitzel,” enthused beer garden regular Inga Pilsner, who has already signed up to emcee the first show titled “Zooming into Sacher Reality.” To further entice visitors, the city plans to unveil fresh new slogans: “Vienna: Where Time is as Slow as Your Last Taxi Ride” and “Come for the Schnitzels, Stay because Your Flight is Delayed.” They even joked about launching a new themed transport system called “The Delayed Trams,” which would guarantee passengers a scenic tour of the city—albeit at the pace of a leisurely stroll through a museum exhibit of 18th-century breakfast utensils. In a bizarre move to expedite the travel process for globe-trotters, the Austrian government announced it will offer an all-inclusive “Vienna is Waiting” package. This package humorously includes a one-way ticket to the city, a lifetime supply of schnitzel coupons, and a no-refunds policy that encourages customers to conjure a positive affirmations whenever they think of canceling. Meanwhile, as thousands gear up to embrace this comically stagnant wait, local gin distilleries are poised to release their new line of “Schnitzel Sours”– a cocktail that aims to combine the essence of breaded meat with fermented happiness, guaranteed to make anyone feel cultured while they contemplate their choices. As eager tourists prepare to dust off their traveler’s shoes and herbs for their next great Instagram post, Vienna remains steadfast in its mission to wait—just as long as it takes to turn authentic schnitzels into a digital experience worthy of a hashtag. So pack your bags, or don’t. Vienna will be here, waiting for you, with a crisp schnitzel and an avalanche of sarcasm!