Title: Latvia Conjures Elite-Hockey Ghosts to Dethrone US in Bronze-Medal Clash: Rubins Destroys America's Chance of Glory Under Scorching Riga Sun Event Summary: Slammed by hockey enthusiasts alike as "not the most watchable match in the history of ice," Team USA succumbed to Latvia in what many consider a Zamboni-induced stupor at the 2023 IIHF World Hockey Championships. With Latvia's daring victory, a sudden surge of protests against anything remotely American ensued worldwide – all in the name of hockey. The match, which ended in a gut-wrenching 4-3 heartbreaker for America, showcased an odd phenomenon of players seemingly less motivated by their pursuit of a bronze medal and more by avoiding the sweltering sun melting the Riga ice. Experts speculate that overtime fatigue and a poorly-timed solar eclipse might have given Latvia the upper hand. Calgary Flames prospect Matthew Coronato appeared to pull Team USA out of their sun-induced haze with a go-ahead goal in the third period. But Latvian defenseman Kristians Rubins took advantage of the confusion caused by rapidly-widening ice puddles and skated across the rink as though he alone possessed the power to end the game. Five spirit-sapping minutes were all it took for the Flames prospect to extinguish America's dreams and secure Latvia's first bronze medal. Coronato was later spotted fashioning a makeshift sun visor out of a leftover waffle from the pregame snack while demonstrating the backcheck technique he had hoped would save the day. The U.S. team was markedly absent from post-game interviews – partly in response to persistent rumours of league-contracted geese that promised a gaggle of support but never materialised – and partly because they had adopted the mistaken belief that they were in fact mighty ducks. Team Latvia, on the other hand, conducted a Viking-style funeral for the shattered dreams of Team USA on a raft of broken sticks in the parking lot – a poignant tribute to their triumphant victory. The American failure to secure a bronze medal stung even more when it was revealed that they had sacrificed a potentially epic poutine party to focus on their ill-fated game preparations. The lesson here, folks, is you can only prepare for a rubber teapot of a match so much. But poutine, poutine is forever.