In a shocking turn of events that has left both TikTok users and cat video enthusiasts reeling, U.S. lawmakers have officially declared that Apple and Google must be prepared to kick TikTok to the curb faster than a forgotten New Year's resolution. "Get ready, folks! Come January 19, we may be looking for the next viral sensation that doesn’t dance, lip-sync, or feed into a dystopian social media frenzy," announced Representative John Moolenaar, clad in a suit that may or may not have been designed by TikTok influencers themselves. The committee, comprised of individuals who have probably never downloaded the app, is demanding that tech giants drop TikTok like it’s a hot potato. A federal appeals court recently decided that ByteDance, TikTok’s China-based parent company, must divest from the app in the U.S. or face a time-out from the app store. Moolenaar went on to insist, “We’re looking to ensure our app stores are as clean as my grandmother’s basement. No questionable content, no foreign influence—just wholesome, American-made entertainment!” Meanwhile, Apple and Google’s CEOs have yet to comment on this bizarre ultimatum, likely pondering whether they should start creating TikTok alternatives—think “Dancing with Odds and Ends” and “Lip Sync for Your Life Savings”—where users can showcase their ability to execute mundane tasks with extra flair. In a bold move to prove their loyalty to American values, lawmakers also hinted at “playing favorites” with homegrown apps, urging Apple and Google to promote any app that features bald eagles, apple pie, or endless videos of children reciting the Declaration of Independence. "We must curate our app stores like we curate our Thanksgiving dinners," said the top Democrat on the committee. “No room for anything foreign or controversial, unless it’s Grandma’s famous green bean casserole.” And while lawmakers plot this next phase of digital warfare, TikTok creators have already begun brainstorming their backup plans—like posting exclusively on platforms where they suspect lawmakers are not lurking, while inventing elaborate conspiracy theories about how their cat videos have been classified as threats to national security. As the clock ticks down to January 19, one thing is for sure: the internet does not take kindly to being told what it can and cannot enjoy, and if TikTok does vanish from app stores, users will likely migrate to the nearest social media platform that supports dog memes and kitchen fails, leaving lawmakers scratching their heads in wonder at the next hot app they’ve inadvertently fueled into existence.