In a shocking burst of seemingly uncharacteristic conscience, the world's corporate carbon bigwigs have been seen leaping into action - not to churn out their traditional money-minting, atmosphere-choking products, but to “tackle emission injustice”. You heard it right, ladies and gentlemen: after decades of select corporations whistling nonchalantly while they dump staggering amounts of carbon into the atmosphere, the very captains of this toxic industry are proclaiming themselves as the planet's new environmental defenders. The revelation came to humanity not from independent reports, passionate teenage activists, or even irate, oxygen-starved polar bears. No, it was from those pin-striped warriors of Wall Street themselves. Apparently, over the soothing chime of massive cash registers, these businessmen had a sudden epiphany: that their companies were indeed responsible for torching the planet. And far from breaking out in guilt-ridden hives, they are now bravely pledging to - wait for it – "lead the battle against emission injustice". The sentiment behind this shocking revelation is simple: in between swimming through Scrooge McDuck-level money bins and drinking the tears of the working class, these beleaguered billionaires have found the time to take up the noble cause of environmentalism. Now, they have undertaken the Herculean task of cleaning up the mess they spent decades diligently creating. In order to address this emission injustice, as they so poetically dub it, they have introduced a sequence of stirring and persuasive action plans. These include groundbreaking strategies such as retrofitting their fleets of private yachts with solar panels, donating carbon-credits to starving polar bears, and advocating for lattes to be made with organic almond milk instead of regular dairy milk in employee lounges. Their first-quarter plan, named “CarbonFreeForAll,” involves the selling of company-branded air purifiers at cost price, giving everyone equal access to clean air. Working class heroes fighting to survive in the intensely polluted atmosphere created by these very corporations can now breathe a sigh of relief - quite literally. Kudos must also be given to their corporate spin doctors who are frantically reshaping the narrative from "we melted polar ice caps for profit" to "we are the world's last best chance against climate change". A PR makeover so breathtakingly audacious, it could plant a rainforest. However, cynics have been quick to spot a pattern, pointing out that this newfound environmentalism looks suspiciously similar to the tried-and-true tradition of greenwashing. These cynics are missing the crucial point, that this is a classic tale of redemption. They are choosing to ignore the fact that these magnates are finally stepping up and acknowledging their roles in this global crisis. Join us next week when we explore the mystery of when exactly unicorns will be sighted grazing in Wall Street, as we sit back and watch this fascinating endeavor to tackle emission injustice unfold. After all, who could be better positioned to combat the havoc wreaked by climate change than those who profited from it in the first place?