Title: "FOMOOMG: Fear of Missing Out on Mediocre Gluten – Your Ultimate Guide to Indulging without Bread" Dear Breadheads, We have listened to your stomach growls and psychological cries, and therefore, we have embarked on the holiest of missions to bring you the top insider intel on achieving ultimate health with the world's most controversial dietary element – gluten! FOMOOMG – Fear of Missing Out on Mediocre Gluten – has become a pervasive burden on modern eaters, fueled by Instagram foodies boasting their #GlutenFree journeys. It's time to stop your suffering, embrace the FOMOOMG, and indulge in meh-quality gluten to unlock your body's true potential. 1. Rebrand Gluten as an Exclusive Club The first step is to embrace gluten as the ultimate underdog. No more soggy sandwiches, rock-hard tortillas, or pitiful pastries. Start referring to gluten as an elite club, with only exclusive members allowed to indulge in all its mediocrity. Be proud to belong to the underground world of average-quality gluten consumption. 2. Show Appreciation while Pigging Out on White Bread People love to feel appreciated, and so does gluten. Whenever you finish a subpar piece of garlic bread or an uninspiring slice of toast, take a moment to express your gratitude to the universe. Shed a tear of joy before trashing the sad remains of that crusty pizza you barely touched. 3. Make Gluten-Free Friends, Live Vicariously You know who gets to indulge in the most mediocre gluten of all? The 1% of celiacs who really shouldn't be consuming it. Befriend these gluten-free peeps so you can live vicariously through their quarantined kitchen spaces. Attend their gluten free bake sales and heartfully laugh when everything crumbles apart. 4. Get Your Fortune Cookie Fix Delivered The irony of a gluten-free fortune cookie is undeniable. It's never too late to order cheap Chinese takeout – a practice scientifically proven to transport you back to your pre-GF days. No one can tell that mediocre gluten-laden cookie from the gluten-free ones anyway. What matters is the cryptic message inside, right? 5. Encourage Growth Opportunities for Gluten Break free from the cage of mediocrity by attending the Annual Gluten Embrace Meetup. Yes, it's a real thing, trust us. It's the perfect opportunity to learn from other FOMOOMG-enlightened individuals who have mastered the art of enjoying so-so gluten, with bad pizza nights and lousy pasta parties aplenty. Do you feel ready to embark on your FOMOOMG adventure? Good. Give gluten a warm embrace and let it become your bland-tasting, subpar companion. And remember, you were always meant to devour wheat with minimum restrictions and maximum indifference.