In a landmark ruling that has left oil executives clutching their pearls and clutching their wallets, a Brazilian court has decided to prioritize the rights of uncontacted tribes over the dubious dreams of oil conglomerates. The judges, likely influenced by a bizarre mix of ethical reasoning and concern for humanity, have ruled that tribes living in the Amazon rainforest shall remain untouched by the curious hands of modern civilization—or, as the oil giants prefer to call it, "the realm of profit." The court's decision elicited a reaction reminiscent of a toddler who discovers that their favorite toy has been taken away. Oil executives were reported to be seen wandering the streets of São Paulo in fainting fits, dramatically gasping for air until they could locate the nearest five-star restaurant serving low-sodium tears. “We simply cannot adhere to the ruling,” lamented Ricardo Gasol, CEO of Blubber Oil Co. “It's simply inhumane. How can we extract resources if there’s this annoying thing called ‘indigenous rights’ standing in our way? I've never heard of these tribes, but we plan to do so much good for them! I even bought a new set of golf clubs.” Meanwhile, representatives from these uncontacted tribes—who famously dodge civilization like a magician evading an over-eager audience—have expressed their gratitude in the only way they know how: by continuing to live their lives as they have for centuries. They are reportedly unfazed by the dramatic international tension and continue to hunt and gather in peace, while enjoying the earth’s bounty without any scheduled Zoom calls, quarterly earnings reports, or abstract corporate-sponsored wellness initiatives. Of course, the decision has sparked political debates, environmental crises, and an odd number of conspiracy theories predicting that the uncontacted tribes are secretly sitting on the world’s largest supply of avocado toast—causing recent spikes in both avocado prices and pretentious millennial brunch spots. The ruling has somehow led to a rush of “tribal tourism” campaigns—with companies offering guided tours featuring ghostly figures who were said to have spotted the edge of the uncontacted tribes' territory. Appropriately, the tours quickly went bankrupt as everyone realized they were being charged a hefty fee to stare at some trees and claim aesthetic superiority through social media posts. Not content to sit idle, oil giants are now brainstorming innovative ways to make amends. Some have suggested hosting “virtual tribe experiences,” where the masses of the global elite can partake in tribe-inspired happy hours—all while swaying their legs in a hammock made of sustainably sourced bamboo. They claim this will foster understanding, but really it sounds more like a glitzy cocktail party with a side of cultural appropriation. As the oil companies continue to wheeze into compression socks, representatives from the tribes remain blissfully unaware—perhaps because they’re too busy living exactly as they please without the need for oil to power the pretend lives of the non-contacted, non-indigenous, non-authentic. So here's to the uncontacted tribes! May they continue to enjoy their serene existence, while oil executives remain gasping—both for air and, it seems, for a bit of humility.