In a twisted turn that would make Kafka blink, a United Nations expert has brazenly proclaimed that jailing oil protesters is - now hold onto your organic, vegan-friendly, non-GMO soy hats - a "slap in the face of international law." The detail-oriented, unbiased, necessarily uber-objective rapporteur, Mr. Lawyerson, has further bemoaned the "criminalization" of peaceful protests. According to our very own superhero for justice, the practice of sending disruptive, placard-waving, dreadlock-sporting environmental enthusiasts to jail for parading their views is grossly unfair and even dare he say, illegal. Take that, conventional wisdom! Elaborating on his spectacularly well-thought-out argument, Mr. Lawyerson deemed the detention of protesters, who were simply playfully vandalizing multi-billion dollar oil pipelines, as "a violation of the human rights to freedom of opinion, expression and peaceful assembly.” Meanwhile, everyone else is trying to comprehend exactly when "freedom of opinion, expression, and peaceful assembly" was amended to include "the right to underwhelm others with scientifically unproven alarmism and deface private property without repercussion." But that apparently happened while we were all distracted by trivialities like global pandemics and actual wars. Naturally, proponents who were peacefully protesting the pipeline by burying themselves in front of bulldozers, chaining themselves to railings, painting murals of endangered birds on oil tanks, and soothingly screaming “Oil is death!” through megaphones, are exhilarated by this groundbreaking revelation. You see, their chief concern is not the numerous jobs the pipeline creates (pshaw, who needs employment in a recession). Nor are they interested in the logistical efficiency the pipeline might offer, or its potential contribution to national energy security. Oh, no. Their singular focus appears to be on the potential - though unproven - environmental impact, a point they primarily express by kindly donating impromptu tattoos to oil tanks with spray paint. Yes, bearing unstable placards, chanting rhymes that would make a third-grade poetry class cringe, and terrorizing pipeline workers, who are just trying to earn an honest living while continually appeasing the state's regulation inspectors, is undeniably the sort of "peaceful assembly" that all countries should encourage. Or at least, so says our sage Mr. Lawyerson. Now, as we wait with bated breath for the next pearls of wisdom from our beloved UN rapporteur, perhaps protesters might consider more constructive expressions of their concerns. I hear knitting is quite calming. Or perhaps even...having a civil conversation backed with scientifically verified evidence? Just a thought.