In a groundbreaking decision that has left environmentalists and fossil fuel enthusiasts alike scratching their heads, former President Donald J. Trump announced his latest retirement plan, which he insists will make America’s coal industry great again—by shutting down coal plants. Yes, you heard that right. The self-proclaimed champion of the "forgotten man" is now opting for the only thing that truly represents a major shift in direction: a good ol’ shutdown. In what experts are calling a move that defies logic but aligns perfectly with Trump’s penchant for grand gestures, the former president stated that he plans to dismantle coal plants nationwide in a bid to “save jobs by losing jobs.” During a recent rally, Trump proclaimed, “If we shut them down, we can finally say we’re doing something about climate change, and hey, maybe those coal miners can find work in solar! Just kidding, I love coal!” Sources close to the ex-leader confirmed that the plan is highly nuanced. Step one: announce an ambitious shutdown goal. Step two: kick the can down the road by postponing any real transition plans until after the next election cycle, ensuring that the entire process remains comfortably vague. "We just need to say things confidently," explained one advisor, who wished to remain anonymous but did admit to having a collection of “Make Coal Great Again” bumper stickers. Political analysts are buzzing over how this retirement strategy could play in the general election. “From promises of job creation to a vague directive of job elimination, it’s a masterclass in political rhetoric,” one expert noted, while rolling their eyes. “He’s found a way to pivot from the 'war on coal' narrative to the 'truce with climate change' narrative by simply turning everything off. Brilliant!” Of course, environmental groups are uncharacteristically united in their disbelief. "We wanted him to address climate change, but not like this," said one activist, visibly confused. "It’s like proposing to solve the obesity epidemic by making all fast food places drive-thru only. Sure, less sitting, but what about nutrition?" As for the coal miners themselves, reactions have ranged from laughter to outright bemusement. “I thought he was going to save our jobs,” said one miner, who preferred not to disclose his name for fear of losing his job—though it seems that might happen regardless. “Now it looks like he wants to make history by accomplishing the exact opposite.” Meanwhile, Trump’s team is confident that they can make it work. “We’ll turn those coal plants into historical monuments, maybe even amusement parks—‘Coal Land’ is a sure winner! Bring the kids and learn about the rich history of coal, while riding the ‘Smokestack Swing.’” It’s clear that in Trump’s world, the only thing more entertaining than irony is a theme park dedicated to the very industry that he proposes to obliterate. As the nation sits on the brink of another election cycle, one thing is certain: Donald Trump’s retirement plan has found a way to capture the chaotic blend of nostalgia and absurdity that seems to encapsulate his entire political career. Whether this move will ignite a new wave of Job Development Through Decimation—or if it’ll simply remain another tweet-worthy headline—remains to be seen. For now, coal miners across the country are bracing themselves, not for job loss, but for a potential influx of thrill-seekers looking to ride an electrifying new roller coaster called “The Shut-Down Slam.” Stay tuned, folks. This retirement plan is just getting started!