In a bold move that has left environmentalists in disbelief and corporate lobbyists high-fiving each other in boardrooms across the nation, reports are emerging that the Trump administration has officially declared war—on trees, animals, and the sky itself. In a shocking pivot from traditional measures taken to protect America's natural treasures, the former president has unleashed a flurry of new policies aimed at harnessing the untapped wealth hidden in the nation's parks and pristine wilderness areas. Sources close to the former president revealed that Trump has been deeply inspired by his childhood fantasies of owning a "real-life Jurassic Park" and believes that selling off America's forests for "some really great golf courses" is the perfect step towards making America great again—specifically, the space in which he can show off his impressive driver swing. Under the new initiative dubbed "Make America Green…But Only on St. Patrick's Day," Trump is reportedly directing the Interior Department to initiate drilling projects in Yosemite, logging contracts in Yellowstone, and even the construction of luxury resorts in the Grand Canyon. Tourists can expect to enjoy breathtaking views of the Canyon—now complete with all the trappings of a five-star hotel, including a buffet restaurant offering the "Cuisine of America" that proudly features bacon-wrapped everything. "This is truly the greatest deal ever," exclaimed a member of the administration, while brandishing a large pair of chainsaws, "forests were just sitting there not making money, and we’ve got to turn those 'natural resources' into 'financial resources.' Honestly, who needs clean air anyway?" As for the quaint little critters that currently call these parks home, the administration is reassuring them that they can simply relocate to "less desirable" areas—presumably somewhere far away from golf courses and, of course, Trump Tower 4: The Fully Equipped Ski Resort Edition. “Who are they to complain? It’s a win-win situation. Either they adapt or evolve to be more like those very marketable dodo birds,” a spokesperson quipped while perched atop a spiffy new ATV, ready to lead the charge into the wild. Local buttercup farmers are reportedly thrilled about the influx of cash from tourists heading their way to catch a glimpse of the freshly bulldozed views. "I mean, it’s win-win," said one farmer, penning a new ‘Save the Buttercups’ petition that immediately crashed under the weight of influencer-driven pressures to ‘#ConserveTheCashFlow’ instead. Environmentalists, on the other hand, continue to protest, brandishing signs that read “Save the Planet” alongside a photo of a smiling Trump holding a chainsaw. Meanwhile, Trump supporters have taken to social media, urging everyone to buy "any and all green products" this St. Patrick's Day as a way to show solidarity, turning their “green support” into holiday-themed cash grabs. As America gears up for what is being called “The Great Green Sell-Off,” experts are eager to see what comes next. Will the music of chainsaws drown out the calls of iconic birds? Will the Grand Canyon become simply “Grand”? Only time will tell, but if Trump’s legacy has taught America anything, it’s that nature can always be put on hold for the right price. Now, if only Mother Nature could accept cash.