In a move that has left the global community reeling, former President Donald Trump has once again taken center stage in the conversation around climate change. This time, he is leading an exclusive “America First” climate summit, aptly themed “Paris? Not Again!” The event, held in a luxurious ballroom adorned with gold-plated chandeliers and faux-Parisian decor, showcased Trump’s unique approach to climate policy: if you can’t beat it, ignore it—preferably while basking in the finest amenities. As attendees entered the summit, they were greeted by a giant banner reading “Climate Change is a Hoax—But These Drinks are Real!” Guests were swiftly handed complimentary “Make Climate Change Great Again” hats, crafted from recycled plastic straws which, ironically, were also banned from the venue. The keynote address, delivered by Trump himself, was met with a standing ovation from a select crowd of supporters and reclining lounge chairs reminiscent of an exclusive beach resort. “We all know the Paris Agreement was a terrible deal, folks. It was so bad, it should be sentenced to solitary confinement. No more fires, no more flooding, just terrific golf courses—and maybe some heated pools,” he declared, to thunderous applause. In a stroke of genius, Trump announced his innovative new initiative: The Great American Climate Reversal, which involves flipping the effects of climate change upside down. “If we just keep saying it’s not happening, the climate will surely just get bored and give up!” he reasoned, expertly spinning a globe and pointing to various countries that would soon be vying for a one-way ticket to America for refuge from rising seas. Amidst the grandiosity, the summit also included breakout sessions such as “How to Build a Wall for Rising Sea Levels” and “The Art of Denial: A Guide to Ignoring Science.” Attendees were encouraged to participate in a team-building exercise that involved shouting “Fake News!” at infographics about rising temperatures. The session peaked when a particularly zealous participant attempted to convince the group that polar bears were simply “creative geese.” Outside, a group of pro-climate protesters gathered, unfurling banners insisting on, shockingly, “science” and “facts.” Trump, peering out of a gold-plated window, remarked, “If only they could see how much better life would be if they just embraced the sunbathing lifestyle instead!” As the event wrapped up, a delighted Trump announced a series of new investments in luxury resort properties that will now incorporate “climate change-resistant” features like elevated platforms and discount hurricane insurance. “We’ll be fine! It’s really about perception, folks. And nothing says ‘I care about climate change’ like a beachfront property.” In a fitting conclusion, guests were treated to a lavish gala complete with a cake featuring the likeness of Trump, crafted in shades of blue icing to represent the “imagined” oceans of his own climate utopia—one where only the elite can afford to ride out the storms. Reports suggest that a follow-up event titled “Climate Change: Just a Thirsty Idea” is already in the works, with Trump teasing additional elaborate visuals to finally “bring this discussion home—right to Mar-a-Lago.” Because when it comes to handling climate change, nobody does it quite like Trump… into a golf club.