In a stunning announcement that left environmentalists clutching their reusable straws in disbelief, former President Donald Trump has unveiled a new initiative designed to fast-track wetland development projects across the United States. Dubbed the "Greenlight for Destruction," the initiative promises to cut through the red tape that has long hindered progress, allowing developers to expedite their projects under the glimmering facade of economic growth. "Why wait for the boring ol' regulations when we can just bulldoze our way into the future?" Trump declared at a rally, where thousands were treated to the sight of giant inflatable marshes—affectionately named "Trump Swamps"—that were promptly popped for dramatic effect. "We’re going to turn these soggy liabilities into booming economic opportunities while saving these wetlands… from their own existence!" The new scheme, crafted by a brain trust of developers, lobbyists, and assorted swamp-dwellers, offers generous tax breaks for any project that promises to do absolutely nothing for the environment. Supporters of the initiative, all claiming to be ardent fans of Mother Earth, argue that the destruction of wetlands is simply progress in disguise. "Think of these wetlands as prime real estate just waiting to be turned into strip malls and parking lots!" shouted one enthusiastic supporter, while nervously eyeing a nearby duck. “You can’t grow the economy on soggy ground, right?” As part of the initiative, Trump has also proposed a new national holiday titled “Ditch Day” to encourage citizens to pitch in with their “enthusiasm for progress.” Families across the nation are invited to join in day-long events featuring duck hunting competitions, “Wetland Wrecking” races, and food trucks serving the increasingly popular “Swamp Burgers”—mini burgers made on a bun thick enough to withstand flooding from approaching storms. Critics of the initiative have pointed out that wetlands play a crucial role in combating climate change, providing habitat for countless species, and safeguarding against flooding. However, those voices were drowned out by a triumphant chorus of discussions about economic revitalization, which Trump emphasized is far more important than any "old" scientific data about biodiversity and ecosystem services. In a surprising and highly scientific turn of events, a poll conducted immediately after Trump’s announcement indicated that 97% of self-identified “economic enthusiasts” expressed enthusiasm for “cleaning up” wetlands, with only a negligible fraction being able to name a single wetland species. “You mean there are animals in there?” one participant asked, clearly baffled by the idea that wetlands might be home to living beings other than predatory developers. To capitalize on this exhilarating news, luxury chain hotels have already launched plans for "Marsh-side Retreats," offering rustic experiences coupled with guilt-free stays directly on the targeted wetlands. One hotel designer remarked, “Who wouldn’t want to sip overpriced cocktails while watching a bulldozer reshape the landscape into something utterly forgettable?” As the nation gears up to celebrate this pivotal moment in “progress,” Americans will surely remember this as the day when environmental imperatives took a back seat to the thrill of building new things—specifically ones that look suspiciously like parking lots dotted with spiraling Cerulean towers in the shape of Trump’s hair. After all, who needs wetlands when there are profits to be made?