In a stunning move hailed by some as a necessary step towards American energy independence and criticized by others as an egregious capitulation to fossil fuel interests, former president Donald Trump has unveiled his latest initiative: "Fast-Tracking Alabama Coal Exports Under the Guise of National Necessity." The initiative, cleverly abbreviated as “Greenlight for Black Gold,” seeks to expedite the coal-export process from Alabama, ensuring that America gets its hefty dose of fossil fuel, all while donning a cape marked “National Emergency.” Standing atop a mountain of coal during a rally in Birmingham, Trump proclaimed, “My fellow Americans, we are going to dig deeper than ever before, and we’re going to export our coal faster than China can blink! After all, nothing screams freedom quite like a good ol' chunk of coal heading overseas!” The crowd cheered enthusiastically, waving flags emblazoned with slogans like “Coal Is the New Green” and “Make Mine Black!” Critics, however, argue that the initiative has less to do with national necessity and more with the former president’s long-standing love for anything black, shiny, and combustible. “It’s just a ruse to enrich his fossil fuel buddies,” said an unnamed environmentalist, clutching a reusable shopping bag full of organic kale. “Because if there’s one thing we need right now, it’s more coal!” In a bid to quell concerns about climate change—an issue Trump famously described as a “hoax”—the administration has promised to put a shiny new label on the coal being exported: “Eco-Friendly Black Gold.” According to officials, this branding will give the impression that coal is now somehow environmentally benign, similar to how “sugar-free” translates to “still might kill you.” The initiative arrives at a particularly fortuitous time for Alabama, where coal production has become a key economic pillar, especially since the state’s seafood sector was decimated by a mysterious “Alabama Shrimp of Mystery” outbreak last year. Jobs, jobs, jobs, Trump exclaimed, reminding the crowd that every ton of coal exported means another job saved, not to mention another offshore account for an anonymous donor. Additionally, the former president has taken to social media to clarify the need for crafting an entire new industry just around coal exports, claiming, “Alabama will be the coal capital of the world, just as long as I’m breathing and people can stop fussing about the air.” In a move that merges the spirit of capitalism with an almost poetic disregard for physics, Trump proposed to position Alabama as not just a producer of coal, but a training ground for the next generation of miners who will carry out “this great and wonderful black task.” Environmentalists are already rallying down the streets under banners reading “Save Our Palettes, Not Our Plates!” and “There’s Nothing Green About This Scheme!” Yet, their voices are drowned out by the rhythmic chants of “Coal Wins!” resounding from the rally grounds. If the initiative passes, it is expected to fast-track permits faster than a coal truck going downhill. Sadly, air quality is scheduled to take a back seat as hundreds of new export docks sprout along the Alabama coastline, leading into the “Coal Coast Festival” where attendees can enjoy coal-themed games, including “Pin the Tail on the Power Plant” and “Bingo: Coal Edition.” As politicians opposing the initiative prepare to meet in a hastily organized press conference, they struggle with fears of getting drowned out by the enthusiastic sound of coal mining machinery. Up next in this bizarre saga: a national speech by Trump showcasing how coal can be “America's Next Great Health Food.” Stay tuned, folks—it’s bound to be a bumpy ride!