In a stunning development that has left environmentalists sighing and rolling their eyes in unison, former President Donald Trump has announced a new initiative: the “Frozen Asset Program.” This revolutionary scheme will freeze any and all environmental regulations, locking them tight in an Arctic vault to preserve them against the harsh realities of climate change. According to sources close to the former president, after a recent round of golf, Trump was struck by the brilliant idea of “just freezing the whole earth” as a way to combat rising temperatures—”if it’s frosty, it can’t be melting, right?” However, following a particularly confusing conversation with his golf partner about deep freezers and polar bears, the specifics of the plan morphed into a new political platform: freezing justice for our planet. “Why mess with boring old science when we can just ice everything?” Trump reportedly exclaimed during a press conference that was held on the back of a golf cart. “If the ice caps aren’t melting, then none of the ice cream cones will melt either! Everyone wins!” In a spectacular display of priorities, the program also includes provisions for “instant climate returns” by providing everyone with oversized winter coats and encouraging the public to embrace their inner penguins. “Look, if they can thrive in a frozen desert, why can’t we?” he argued. “Plus, it gives me an excuse to use my new golf ball designs that look like snowflakes.” Environmental experts, in yet another twist in the ongoing saga of climate policy, have eagerly embraced the concept, dubbing it a “bold regression.” Critics, on the other hand, have expressed their concerns about the practicality of the plan. “Freezing regulations doesn’t solve climate change, but it does mean more time on the golf course for a certain former president,” said one researcher, who asked to remain anonymous due to their deep embarrassment over studying environmental science in a world where freeze-tags became policy. In related news, several major corporations have emerged from their ivory towers to express support for the Frozen Asset Program, leading the charge with slogans like “Ice Ice, Baby” and “Chill Out—The Planet’s Fine.” They have taken it a step further, proposing an app that allows individuals to “freeze” their carbon footprints by simply pressing the “panic button” anytime they feel guilty about driving an oversized SUV or planning a summer beach trip. However, while the program promises warmer winters for its advocates, the reality of melted ice caps, rising sea levels, and unseasonably cold takes on the future continues to loom. But with a fresh coat of snow laid over the problem, supporters remain optimistic. “It’s just easier to pretend things aren’t happening when you’ve got a good buzz and frozen margaritas,” one enthusiastic volunteer quipped as they registered others to join the “Freeze the Green” movement. In the end, the Frozen Asset Program promises not only to keep environmental justice on ice but also to remind everyone that sometimes, the best way to deal with a problem is to act like it doesn’t exist—at least until the ice melts. Only time will tell if this chilling approach actually warms the hearts of those truly concerned about the planet, or if it simply gives a whole new meaning to cold shoulders.