In a bold move that many are calling a stroke of genius, former President Donald Trump has officially signed an executive order permitting the unprecedented mining of the deep ocean floor. This stunning decision, claimed by Trump to be “the new frontier for American prosperity,” has set off waves of both excitement and skepticism across the globe—mostly the latter. The order, titled “Operation Treasure Hunt: Make the Oceans Profitable Again,” allows corporations to plunder vast swathes of the ocean bottom, dredging for everything from precious metals to long-lost Pokémon cards—because why not? “This is America’s time to shine, folks! We’re going to get rich beyond our wildest dreams, and the rest of the world can just watch as we build that beautiful underwater economy,” Trump gleefully announced in a press conference while holding a glittering artifact that appeared to be a randomly selected object from a garage sale. Environmentalists, oceanographers, and sentient sea creatures, however, have reacted with alarm. “This is a catastrophic decision that will likely decimate marine ecosystems,” lamented one marine biologist, who was graphing the death of coral reefs when our reporters interrupted. “But judging from what I know of Trump, I’d bet he sees the ocean as just another piece of real estate ripe for development. And let’s be honest, he probably thinks fish are just neutral color options for his next golf course.” In a striking sense of irony, the executive order seems to float on a foundation of denial regarding international laws. The United Nations has established various treaties aimed at preserving marine environments and regulating deep-sea mining. Naturally, Trump’s team has assured everyone that global law is merely “suggestive” at best. “We’re operating in the deep blue, way beyond the reach of your little bureaucratic rules,” said an unnamed aide, while attempting to balance a bowl of goldfish crackers on their head as if it were a maritime safety demonstration. The order has triggered a race among corporations eager to unearth the planet's hidden treasures, and it seems the only thing that rivals their enthusiasm is their disregard for actual logistics. Reports have emerged that some companies are planning to use large vacuum-like machines to suck up precious resources as if they were cleaning out a Hoover. “It’s easy!” one eager CEO shouted, as he donned his diving gear—which was likely purchased at a clearance sale. “All we need is a massive pipe, a few giant fans, and a hopeful mindset!” Predictably, this executive order has attracted a multitude of supporters, many of whom are showering Trump with accolades. Enthusiastic rallies have sprung up, showcasing slogans such as “Drill Baby Drill: Part II – Ocean Boogaloo!” and “Exploit Our Oceans, Not Our Wallets!” Merch vendors are cashing in by selling “Make the Oceans Deep Again” tees, featuring a smiling cartoon whale wearing a hard hat. While scientists scratch their heads and economists roll their eyes, the future of the world’s oceans—along with the hopes of a sustainable planet—may soon hinge on a gold rush sparked by an impulsive signing of a piece of paper fueled more by greed than logic. As the deep ocean beckons, only time will tell if Trump’s oceanic venture will lead to a blend of prosperity and disaster or simply an elaborate seaside rummage sale that ends with everyone blaming the seagulls. In any case, if nothing else, it seems clear that the treasure hunt is officially ON! And don’t forget to take a gander at the local beach—if it’s not already a construction site by the time you get there, that is.