In a groundbreaking development in the world of international diplomacy, a top envoy from the Trump administration has unveiled what he dubs "The New Linguistic School of Diplomacy." In a recent press conference, the envoy astoundingly asserted that the phrase "Russian-speaking" unequivocally translates to "Russian-loving," shaking the foundations of diplomatic vernacular as we know it. "Let me be clear," the envoy articulated passionately at the podium, flanked by a giant banner emblazoned with the phrase "Words Matter." "If you can utter the words 'Da' or 'Privet,' you're essentially waving a Russian flag. It’s linguistics, folks!" The envoy went on to elaborate on his theory while holding a vintage Russian dictionary, claiming that every "спасибо" (thank you) potentially reveals a hidden agenda of allegiance to the Kremlin. “We can’t ignore the elephant in the room,” he said, gesturing wildly as the reporters exchanged confused glances. “When you’re Russian-speaking, you’re also Russian-loving! It’s a package deal!” In a particularly riveting moment, the envoy called attention to the annexation of the four partially occupied Ukrainian oblasts, declaring them fully Russian because, in his words, “they’ve got a lot of Russian speakers. That’s the new metric of sovereignty in international law—your dialect equals your destiny!” Critics quickly raised eyebrows at the envoy’s logic, pointing out the irony that there are millions of English speakers who don’t pledge their undying love to the United States. Nevertheless, the envoy brushed off such objections, asserting that “you can’t spell allegiance without ‘lease,’ and if you pull out of those letters, you get Russia! See? It’s all connected.” The press conference took a surreal turn when the envoy concluded with a heartfelt request for all Ukrainians to pick up the Russian language, insisting it was a step toward building bridges. “Why fight when you can learn some sweet phrases? Just think," he smiled with an exaggerated flourish, "next time you encounter a Russian-speaking neighbor, instead of conflict, you could just trade borscht recipes!” Political analysts are left scratching their heads as to how the New Linguistic School of Diplomacy will play out on the global stage. Meanwhile, the envoy has confirmed plans to release an app that translates love letters into Russian, adding yet another layer of interpretation to the relationship between language and international affections. As nations grapple with complex geopolitical issues, they might just need to start watching their words—because according to this new theory, every syllable could mean a step toward or away from war.